Posts from — February 2008

“I must follow the people. Am I not their leader?” - Benjamin Disraeli

Over the past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about being a father, husband and what it means to lead my family. Leadership has always been something that has greatly intrigued me. The ideas of being an influencer rather than one who is always influenced and making a positive impact in someone’s life… these are incredible and challenging thoughts.

In thinking of the leaders I look up to, dead and alive, a simple thought came to mind: great leaders are easy to follow. I know, profound right? But, before you go back to checking your Facebook, think about this. Great leaders are easy to follow because deep down we believe they are someone worth following, someone who has overflowing value that can greatly benefit our lives if we are close enough to them. So ask yourself, are you someone worth following? As you mull this over consider the following:

Do you ask others to do more than you are willing to do yourself? - Going through four years at a military academy gave me an opportunity to witness the best and worst of leadership. One of the strongest lessons I took away from that experience came about while doing some push ups.

Part of being at a military academy is being trained by upperclassmen as a freshman which often meant being stopped in the hallways and told to do push ups. While no one actually enjoyed this experience, it was at least tolerable if the one doing the training was someone you respected and knew could do just as many push ups as you and more.

The worst in leadership came about when being forced to do push ups by someone you knew couldn’t knock out 25 if their life depended on it. Doing push ups for these people was a miserable experience and put an incredibly sour taste in my mouth. This person wasn’t a leader, they were an order-giver — too weak to do anything on their own, but expecting their subordinates to do something they couldn’t do themselves. I had no respect for these upperclassmen and wouldn’t follow them anywhere.

Are you serving yourself and calling it service for others? - My friend Glenn posed this question a few days ago and it has haunted me. Is the purpose of your leadership fulfilling a calling, a need for a sense of purpose, or is it actually about serving those following you? When looking at the great leaders in my life one factor is common among them all, they authentically want to see their followers succeed and will do anything they can to make that happen. Leadership to them is about others, not themselves.

In the military, as I’m sure is true in corporate America, performance reviews often require short bullet statements explaining what the person being reviewed has done to positively impact the organization. Around review time it is often an interesting phenomena to watch as many people suddenly begin volunteering for various things as they realize they don’t have very many bullet statements. Sometimes our leadership can turn into a race to acquire good bullet statements if we aren’t careful. What’s the end goal of your leadership, self-fulfillment or the betterment of others?

These are the questions that keep a father, husband and young military officer up at night. There are lots of people in the world with titles and power, but few true leaders. The reality is, none of us probably think we’re really worth following, but we work at it and try to do better each day…and the process is good.

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If you are the type of person that likes to do everything yourself then you can quit reading now, this post is not for you. If, however, you are like me and just smile and nod when your friends start talking about the new engine mod they just installed in their car or watch “This Old House,” for the design ideas and go get some coffee when they start talking about actual installation…sit back and enjoy.

The following are six professionals that will drastically improve the quality of your life if you give them the chance. The problem is most people don’t take the time to build relationships with these people and end up just throwing darts at the yellow pages when crisis comes, or even worse, wasting endless amounts of time and money trying to do it all on their own.

Accountant/Financial Adviser - It should come as no surprise that a key aspect of skilled living is managing your money well. I place accountant and financial adviser together because whether the roles are fulfilled by one person or two they should always work together. An investment strategy that doesn’t take into account good tax planning is meaningless.

A couple of years ago I began using my dad’s long-time accountant to do my taxes. I could have instead taken the time, as so many do, to do my taxes myself, but in using an accountant I found two huge benefits: 1) peace of mind in not having to lay in bed at night worrying whether or not I had missed something 2) time freed up to do other things I enjoy a lot more like spending time with my wife and daughter, reading, studying investments, etc. If you are looking to hire a professional in this area and you’re confused by all the acronyms like CPA, CFP, etc. here’s a good article on CNNMoney that explains it well.

Tailor - I am a big fan of dressing up, but there’s nothing worse then wearing ill-fitting clothes and feeling more like a clown than James Bond. Most people don’t realize the benefits of having clothes tailored. For guys, most American made dress shirts seem to be cut for 300lb CEOs than they do an average joe. The Italians make their clothes for more physically fit guys, but unless you’re ready to shell out a few hundred dollars per shirt, these aren’t always a viable option.

For years I trounced around weddings and special events with the sides of my dress shirts flowing in the wind. It wasn’t until I found a tailor who informed me he could bring the sides in on all my dress shirts that I discovered the joy of wearing shirts that actually fit. Surprising to me, the price for this service was very reasonable. Not sure how to find a decent tailor? Go to a high-end department store like Nordstrom’s or Neiman Marcus and ask an associate who they recommend, or ask your local dry cleaner. Find a tailor that you trust knows your style and you’ll be clothed well for life.

Mr. Fix-It - More damage has been done to homes, cars and other possessions by people who are convinced that they can “do it themselves” than almost anything else. One of the best examples of this is “Flip That House,” on TLC. All you have to do is watch the first five minutes to know how the flip is going to turn out. If they decide to hire professionals to do the work they almost always finish the project on schedule and on time. If they decide that their 5-year subscription to “The Family Handyman” qualifies them to completely remodel a house you can sit back and watch tempers flare, marriages crumble and money vanish.

If you have the knowledge and skills and find hammering nails soothing, than by all means, have at it. But, for the rest of us developing a good relationship with a professional handyman is incredibly valuable. Hiring a professional will cost you money, but there is a great difference between first costs and life-cycle costs. While you may avoid some first costs by DIY you will make up for them in life-cycle costs.

Lawyer - All the jokes aside, at some point everyone needs a lawyer whether its for simple tasks like drafting a will or something more serious like a civil suit. Like most things in life it is far better to have already have a lawyer that you know and trust before the storm comes than trying to find one in the midst of serious crisis.

Lawyers can do much more than people realize depending on their areas of expertise and can be a great help, but these benefits are only as strong as the relationship you form with your lawyer beforehand. Here’s an article from Business Week on “How to Hire a Lawyer.”

Doctor - Staying healthy is something all of us want, but part of this equation is having a good doctor that you trust and feel comfortable with. Nothing is worse then sitting there naked on the butcher paper debating how much you should reveal to your doctor. Finding a doctor you can be completely open with will greatly increase the quality of your personal care.

Akshay Kapur, on his highly informative health care blog explained in a recent post, “…your primary care practitioner (PCP) is your gatekeeper to the rest of the medical world, so it is worth your while to develop a strong relationship with one.” So how do you find the right doc? Kapur recommends the relatively new website Vitals which provides backgrounds on doctors similar to a consumer report.

Real Estate Agent - As I mentioned in my last post on home buying, “Since buying a house is the single largest purchase most of us will ever make, knowing how to do it well is a great skill to have.” In order to navigate the real estate market well, having an informed and skilled real estate agent in your corner can pay huge dividends.

First, they know the market. Every market is different so it pays to have the expertise of someone who knows a local market well — the history, trends, and future changes. Second, real estate agents are constantly talking with each other so they are the first to know when a great property comes along.

All six of these pros can greatly help you navigate various areas of your life, but as I’ve tried to stress, their help is only as good as the relationship you have formed with them beforehand. Do not wait until you’re in the thick of it to search for professional help. Life is meant to be enjoyed, so build yours in such a way that you can focus on the things that matter most like relationships, travel and hobbies and leave the dirty work to the professionals.

What professionals have been of great benefit in your life? How have you developed relationships with these people and what have the benefits been?

For those of you just joining the “Buying a House in 2008″ series, I have recently been going through the process of purchasing a house for my wife, daughter and myself. It is our first house so instead of hoarding all of our newly acquired knowledge it made sense to share the lessons I have learned with the readers of Schaefer’s Blog, many of whom I know are getting ready to purchase their first homes soon as well.

The point of Schaefer’s Blog is to share lessons in skilled living. Since buying a house is the single largest purchase most of us will ever make, knowing how to do it well is a great skill to have. A couple weeks ago I wrote about what I had learned in determining how much of a house you can afford. Today, I present a quick and dirty guide to the most common types of home loans and the pros and cons of each.

A home loan, also called “mortgage” is simply the money you get from a bank or lender to bridge the gap between the amount of money you can pay for the house and the amount the house actually costs. There are endless types of mortgages from the basic to exotic. Much of the current mortgage crisis has to do with people choosing unusual home loans that they didn’t really understand or couldn’t afford. The loans I cover are the basics, by no means a comprehensive guide, but a good starting place for those looking to finance a home purchase.

VA Loan - I throw this in because I’m in the military as are many of my friends. The VA (Veteran’s Affairs) loan is designed for qualified veterans, reservists and active-duty members and their eligible spouses. Many lenders like USAA make this option available and the benefits can be quite helpful. Here’s the official site.

Pros: No down payment needed to qualify and no mortgage insurance premiums. Also, the government limits the closing costs and origination fees lenders can charge.

Cons: VA loans have a funding fee, typically around 2% (can be lower if borrower puts 5% down). The maximum amount guaranteed by a VA loan is $240,000. While this is enough for many, in more expensive parts of the country it may not be enough.

Who Should Consider It: Any military member or spouse that qualifies who does not have money to put down on a house, or wants to use that money elsewhere and will be able to purchase their home without going over the $240,000 maximum.

Fixed Rate - A fixed rate mortgage is one in which the interest rate and monthly payments stay the same for the entire term of the loan. The most common terms are 30 years and 15 years, but many others also exist.

Pros: You never have to worry about your interest rate going up unexpectedly or your monthly payment changing in any way. No matter what the markets are doing your rate is locked in so you have peace of mind.

Cons: Peace of mind has a price. Interest rates on fixed rate mortgages are generally higher than the initial rates on an adjustable rate mortgage. Plus, if interest rates happen to go down significantly after locking in your rate you will lose money, either in opportunity costs or in paying the fees associated with refinancing your mortgage to get a lower interest rate.

Who Should Consider It: Anyone who like stability and is looking at living in their home for a longer period of time like 10 years or more.

Adjustable Rate (ARM) - An adjustable rate mortgage is one where the interest rate is initially fixed for a set term and is then allowed to float (follow the market rate) after the initial term is up. Every ARM has an adjustment margin which is the amount the lender adds to whatever index they follow for the market rate, so the market rate plus the margin is actually what you will end up paying in interest after the initial fixed term is up.

Pros: Lower initial monthly payments than a fixed rate mortgage.

Cons: Once the initial fixed term is up you must either refinance or risk paying higher payments if interest rates go up, both costing more money.

Who Should Consider It: Someone that plans on reselling their home within a short time after purchase. For example, if you are in the military and know that you’ll move every four years, a 5/1 ARM may make sense. The “5″ is the number of years the mortgage is fixed initially and the “1″ is the adjustment interval thereafter. A 5/1 would give you a lower monthly payment than that of a fixed rate.

Resources:
Mortgage New & Advice - Bankrate.com
Pick the Right Mortgage - Kiplinger.com
Mortgages - USAA.com
Which Mortgage is Right for You? - Interest.com
…and before you get too excited about the possibility of making loads of money off real estate check out my man Ramit Sethi’s posts on real estate…I’m not saying don’t buy a house, just don’t be stupid.

The last few weeks have been incredibly busy for me. First, I spent 5 days in Florida getting dunked in the ocean for a water survival course, then I was home for a day before hitting the road again in search of a new house in Washington. When I came back from that trip I could not relax because the movers were coming the very next day to pack up our things. In the midst of all the traveling, rush, stress, excitement there was Malone.

I noticed my month-old daughter had grown a lot in the past couple weeks. She was changing quickly. Her hair was longer, she didn’t quite fit into some of her newborn outfits, she seemed much taller and, in a sense, I was missing it…not because I had been away, though that had some to do with it, but because I was becoming consumed with the “busy-ness” of life. This struck me deeply as I held her. I turned off the television, closed my laptop and just looked at her. My daughter was teaching me the art of the pause.

The art of the pause is the ability to completely shut off the world around and concentrate solely on one thing, person or circumstance…not striving, but simply taking it all in. In a world where technology makes it so easy to multi-task, the ability to pause is becoming an even greater necessity. We must all learn the art of the pause if we are to have healthy and meaningful relationships, and lives that are lived for more than just the accumulation of tasks and achievements. The art of the pause is the secret to enjoying everything for which we work so hard, the meeting place of gratefulness and fulfillment.

How then, do we pause?

1) Stop - Shut off the noise, whether that’s the television, computer or cell phone. Just stop. You may be uncomfortable with the silence, but it just means you haven’t paused in a while. Its easy to get caught in the trap of feeling like you always have to be doing something; checking e-mail, watching the news, reading, cleaning, etc. I am guilty of this. The art of the pause is a buffer against this silent life-killer. If you haven’t paused in a while sometimes the best way to stop is to go hiking or camping, away from the crowds, the noise and cell-phone coverage. However you have to do it, just stop.

2) Focus - If you’re with someone focus on them. Listen to them, make eye contact and don’t formulate a response in your head as they’re talking. If you’re all alone, focus on your present circumstances and what you have to be thankful for. By focusing you allow yourself a chance to assess your present position in life, giving you increased situational awareness. For me, this was simply staring down at my wonderful daughter and looking at her eyes, her hair, her feet, just soaking in the awesomeness of such a creation.

3) Enjoy - The most bitter people in the world are the most ungrateful. Everyone has something to be thankful for whether it is good health, supportive family, a great job, or a loving God. By focusing on the good things in your life you gain perspective and the focus normally goes away from whatever is stressing you out to the things you enjoy the most. The ability to enjoy life is directly related to your ability to be thankful.

Life is a vapor. If we don’t pay attention we can fly by some of the most significant moments without blinking an eye. My newborn daughter taught me the art of the pause, a practice that will cost you very little in the long run, but gain you a life lived to the hilt.

Here are the links to my latest guest posts: Why You Need Community to Reach Your Goals on Alex Blackwell’s blog, the Next 45 Years. AND “What an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Can Teach You About Investing” on The Dividend Guy. Just happened to come out on the same day. Enjoy!

Last month my good friend Glenn Packiam made the following comments as we discussed the book, Troublesome Young Men: The Rebels Who Brought Churchill to Power and Helped Save England by Lynne Olson. We were reading the book for a book club to which we both belong and discussing Winston Churchill’s use of his political capital during various phases of his career.

While many remember Churchill simply as the man of the hour during WWII, the fact is, his rise to power was not such a smooth road. Rather, it was the result of many people who looked beyond some earlier questionable decisions, believing his leadership style to be exactly what was needed as Britain prepared to face Nazi Germany.

With this discussion in mind, Glenn made the following points on leadership that have continued to remain rambling around in my mind, causing me to weigh my words and thoughts more carefully and look at leadership as something to be spent wisely rather than splattered over every life situation with reckless abandon.

a thought i had a while back on churchill’s moments of low political profile that came as a result of his impulsive and poorly chosen soapboxes: leadership is a currency that must be spent wisely. once it is spent poorly– on weak causes that ought not be supported– it is horribly devalued and becomes considerably less desirable. when parliament and the rebel torys needed churchill the most, to speak up for anti-appeasement, to represent the growing public concern over the shabby state of england’s military forces….churchill was forced to lay low. why? because he had chosen to speak up about keeping India a colony– a ridiculous idea that was difficult to defend. churchill’s judgment– or lack of it– devalued the currency of his leadership so greatly that his opinions became as precious as a mexican peso.

so, the next time you– or i– consider launching into a tirade at a meeting about the color of carpet, the length of announcements, or any other trivial matter that you really shouldn’t care so much about, ask
yourself if you really want to spend your leadership currency on that issue…how will your choosing to exert your influence on behalf of a certain cause value or devalue the currency of your leadership? that
is not to say we shouldn’t speak up for something we believe in regardless of popularity…in fact, my point has nothing to do with whether something is popular. it is all about whether the causes we
lend our voices to are the kinds of things we really want our lives to be defined by.

thankfully for europe, churchill’s life and legacy weren’t defined by
the imperialization of india.

After so many lists and how-to books on leadership its always refreshing to hear a very original idea on the subject. You can read more of Glenn’s awesome work here.

This week I was in Pensacola, Florida where I went through the Air Force’s Water Survival course. From the Air Force fact sheet, “The course centers it’s training on aircrews, which utilize parachuting as the primary means of escape. Instruction includes initial academic training, parachute equipment procedures, parachute drag training, post egress and recovery training which includes a deep water landing, and a one to two hour raft familiarization exercise.” Basically, I learned what to do if I ever have to jump out of a plane and parachute into the ocean.

One of the most memorable parts of the course dealt with the story of a Chinese sailor in WWII, named Poon Lim, who survived alone in a life raft for 133 days in the Atlantic after his ship was torpedoed by a German U-boat. The fact that he survived for so long is incredible enough, but what struck me the most was the fact that at the time of his rescue, after more than four months on a 8 ft. square raft, he was quite healthy, having lost only 20lbs and walking away under his own strength. Not only did he live, he lived well!

Aside from the inevitable, “What would I have done?” question, there are a few lessons in skilled living I took away from this incredible survival story:

Things Will Go Wrong, Accept It - I’m sure Lim didn’t wake up that day expecting to get hit by a torpedo, but the unexpected happened and he found himself in a mess. Lim could have easily given up, bitter and hopeless, but he accepted that the world around him had fallen apart and dealt with it.

No matter how well we plan for the future bad things are going to happen, things we are unable to predict. Some people handle these life disasters well, coming out stronger at the other end. Others are completely knocked out, unable to recover. Learn what separates these two types of people and change your life accordingly.

Learn to Adapt - After two hours floating in the sea Lim found a small life raft and climbed aboard onto what would become his new home. On the raft were some biscuits, water, flares and an electric torch. Lim was now alone in the middle of the Atlantic with very few supplies, a situation that could leave many hopeless, but Lim chose to adapt to his new environment.

Poon stayed in shape by swimming laps around his raft, keeping his eyes above water at all times scanning for sharks. He gave himself small rations of biscuits and water each day, but as the supplies ran low he had to change his survival plan.

He used the canvas covering his life jacket to collect rainwater and bent a piece of wire in his electric torch to form a hook to catch fish, using his last pieces of biscuit as bate and a hemp rope as the line. He pried a nail from a plank in the raft to catch larger fish and cut up his empty biscuit tin to make a knife. Lim had very few resources, but he adapted and this enabled him to survive.

Focus On What You Can Control - It would have been easy for Lim to lie on his raft all day thinking about when a rescue boat would pick him up, what he could do if he had more supplies or why this had all happened to him in the first place, but these things were outside his control. Instead Lim focused on the things he could control like catching fish, staying as healthy as possible, keeping his raft clean, etc. In doing so he kept himself occupied and strengthened his will to live.

Know Your Weaknesses and Deal With Them - Lim was a poor swimmer so he would often tie a rope around his wrist connecting him to the raft. Rather than accepting this weakness and moving on, Lim instead swam daily, gradually turning his weakness into a strength.

Being able to identify your weaknesses is much harder than it seems. First, we rarely want to accept that we have weaknesses in the first place and second, its often hard for us to see them even if we want to. Having close friends and mentors in your life to point out your blind spots is a key part of skilled living. Only when your weaknesses are identified do you then have a chance to deal with them.

I just got done packing for a trip to Florida this week where I’ll be going through the Air Force’s Water Survival Course in Pensacola, FL. Since, I’ll be off the radar for a bit I thought I’d leave you with some great articles and blogs that I’ve been reading to comfort you in my absence and hopefully give you a few lessons in skilled living.

First, read this

Employee Evolution is a blog I came across tonight focusing on the millennial generation and the workplace, great thoughts, especially here

Ever wonder what happened to the food pyramid? Akshay checks it out here

Ben Casnocha on where we should read

Fast Company article on the new theory that slams the Tipping Point

Beau Suder on talking to yourself…its good seriously

The Next 45 Years has some great content on personal development and a carnival that threw me a link

Amazing new blog on writing by the author of Zen Habits

Some good personal finance and investing blogs here and here

Finally, Ramit Sethi ran a very interesting survey looking at: “Are you spending less because of a possible recession?”

If you are married you can be certain that there will be conflict. Conflict can either destroy a marriage or make it stronger, it all depends on how you view it and how you choose to deal with it. My last marriage post, Top 5 Reasons for Marital Conflict, dealt with the primary sources of contention. As Aaron Stern, pastor and close friend, is fond of telling married couples, “All conflicts are the result of unrealistic, uncommunicated or unmet expectations.”

This post is about knowing how to do conflict well. It may seem like an oxymoron to some, but there is a good way and a bad way to do conflict. The bad way ends in avoidance, hurt, frustration and unresolved issues. The good way of doing conflict ends in greater trust, love, understanding and a resolution. Stern gave my wife and I the following rules just before we were married and they have allowed conflict to help, rather than hurt, our marriage.

RUMBLE RULES:

Don’t hurt each other – physical or otherwise, this is non-negotiable. If you cannot fight without hurting each other there are serious issues that need to be resolved quickly. Seek a good marriage counselor.

Don’t bargaining/threaten - For example, if you don’t do this I won’t have sex with you. Individual rights are secondary to the health of the relationship. The definition of love is a laying down of your life for the benefit of another. A healthy marriage is one where both partners understand that they have essentially given up their individual rights in service of their spouse. As with most aspects of marriage, this only works when both people are operating under these parameters, constantly trying to out-serve the other.

Don’t bring up the past – love keeps no record of wrongs. Too often people in a relationship keep a running tally of offenses in their head to use as ammunition in future fights. “Go into relationships with eyes wide open…get married with eyes half shut,” says Stern. It is best to approach each issue on its own rather than hitting your spouse with an avalanche of grievances.

Don’t attack the foundations - For example, starting out with a disagreement over paying bills on time or showing up late to dinner and jumping straight to “you don’t love me,” or “you don’t trust me.” The conflict may have been quite small, but by attacking foundations you now just poured gasoline on it and lit the match.

Don’t go out looking to drum up support - Don’t go out and tell your friends, “Guess what my spouse did the other night!” The purpose of marriage is to protect your spouse not to throw them to the wolves. Also, it is rarely a good idea to bring your in-laws into your conflict. Their bias towards their own child makes the situation sticky.

Set up Systems - Do whatever you need to ensure the conflict is productive and safe. If you have a bad tendency to interrupt each other, go elementary-school style and use a talking stick. Whoever is holding the stick has the floor and the other person must sit silently and listen until they have the stick. If one partner needs 10 minutes of cool-down time before discussing the issue, make allowances for that.

Don’t exaggerate/polarize - Avoid using terms such as, “always” or “never,” which are rarely accurate and polarize the conversation. The tendency in any fight is to take an extreme position to emphasize your point. The result of this, your partner then takes their position to the extreme opposite side making it much harder to find any sort of middle ground.

When my wife and I first started dating we got into a huge fight over whether she would stay at home with our kids or not. Things started off fine (our views were actually quite similar), but went downhill quickly. By the end she was vowing to never have kids and I was demanding 10 children and that she stay barefoot and pregnant doing housework the rest of her life. In reality, this was not what either of us wanted, but in an effort to prove our points we exaggerated greatly and polarized the discussion.

Even the word “conflict” makes some people shudder. The idea of confrontation is uncomfortable, but by learning to fight clean you can take the sting out of conflict and make it a very useful and valuable aspect of your marriage.

Other useful marriage posts:
- Say What You Need
- Top 5 Reasons for Marital Conflict