Posts from — April 2008

My friend Brett McKay, creator of the popular Art of Manliness blog, had a great idea to start a weekly blog carnival covering topics related to men….hence, the Manival! There are a bunch of great posts included in this week’s carnival, including one of mine entitled, “Man Skills: Make a Decision,” so be sure to check it out here.

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

Several months ago I decided that 2008 would be the year for me to run a marathon, something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, but always put off. Yesterday I ran my first half-marathon, a check point for me to see just where I am in my running journey.

The run went well and I completed the 13.1-mile course in a time of 1:43:38…about a 7:55 pace. I felt pretty pleased with myself until later in the afternoon when I saw the time for the winner who blazed through the course finishing in 1:08:06…35 minutes ahead of me! Now I know that running is supposed to be about competing against yourself and not worrying about other racers, blah blah blah, but the fact is I love competition and reading his time had an effect on me.

At this moment I had two choices:

• Be discouraged and decide I would never be able to run with the “big boys” OR

• Realize that while the process will take time and a lot of hard work, there’s no reason I can’t slowly cut away at this gap and become a great runner in the process.

NOW, this decision is what this post is all about - I don’t believe my choice to use his time as motivation rather than discouragement was an accident or simply a result of me being an optimist. It’s because I’ve had the opportunity to be in “Mr. 1:08’s” shoes before, not in the same sport, but different ones at various times — I’ve experienced winning and in doing so have gained some valuable insight:

The difference between first and second place is incredibly small. Winners know this and losers don’t.

In the 2004 Olympic games the difference between gold and silver in the 100-meter dash was .01 seconds…one one-hundredth of a second! If a couple muscle fibers had twitched a bit slower for champion Justin Gatlin his life from that moment on would have been completely different.

The person coming in second often feels like there is a huge chasm separating them from the winner’s circle. The champion understands that the margin between him and the guy right behind him is incredibly thin and easily gained and lost.

It is this perspective that enables some to excel in nearly everything, while others find nothing, but struggle and defeat. If one believes that the void between their present position and where they want to be is small and ultimately attainable then they will approach each endeavor EXPECTING victory. While this may seem insignificant to some, I believe it is a key trait of champions both in sports and life.

Those who expect to win view trials and tribulations along their journey very lightly, not paying them much attention. But those with no expectation of succeeding view bumps in the road as confirmation that they shouldn’t be on the road in the first place. Self-fulfilling prophecy at its finest.

Life’s battles don’t always go to the stronger or faster man. But sooner or later the man who wins, is the man who thinks he can. - Vince Lombardi

So how does one develop this outlook on life? Here’s a few thoughts:

• Hang Out With Winners - One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received is to spend time with the types of people you want to become. By spending time with successful people, not only will you have a chance to find out what makes them tick, but you’ll naturally begin to mimic their actions and attitudes.

• Put Yourself in A Position to Win - Sometimes, no matter how bad you believe you can succeed you’re not going to because you’ve made too many poor choices along the way. Winners understand there is no quick fix or secret solution. Without preparation you can kiss success goodbye. Excellence doesn’t just appear randomly, it is a habit that must be exercised daily.

• You Can’t Win At Everything, Don’t Try - I get really tired of hearing people say that you can do anything if you just believe or confess it enough times. It’s simply not true. My friend Lucas has an incredible ability to create beautiful pieces of pottery. I would love to be a great potter, but I’ve tried and I don’t have the patience or the vision. I could spend my life confessing and believing “I will be a wonderful potter,” but the reality is, it’s not going to happen and it would be a waste of time for me to pursue this goal. Attitude and believing you can succeed are only a part of the equation, they are not the sole element.

• Winning Attitude Does Not Equal Cocky Attitude - Make no mistake, I’m not advocating a swagger or cockiness. It is completely possible to be confident without being a jerk about it. Some of the most successful people I know are also the most humble…remember, the gap between first and second is small…just because you win doesn’t mean no one can touch you.

I sincerely hope this post doesn’t come off as one more self-help, “Secret”, 5 Steps to Victory-type post. My purpose for writing this was simply to show that people can look at a situation and either see an obstacle or they can see nothing and just keep winning. It’s not a secret, it’s just a reality

If you liked this article why not subscribe via RSS or e-mail so that you don’t miss out. Also, consider bookmarking this to delicious or Stumble. I’d appreciate it!

A couple weeks ago my beautiful wife asked me where she could find a good list of blogs on parenting, home design and some other topics. I didn’t have a great answer besides, “Uhhh, I guess just look at their blogrolls.” Now I have an answer - Alltop. A couple days ago Schaefer’s Blog was included in the Lifehacks section alongside some incredibly popular blogs like The Art of Manliness, Zen Habits, Dumb Little Man and The Growing Life…very exciting and humbling! So what is Alltop? I like their description best:

You can think of an Alltop site as a “dashboard,” “table of contents,” or even a “digital magazine rack” of the Internet. To be clear, Alltop sites are starting points — they are not destinations per se. The bottom line is that we are trying to enhance your online reading by both displaying stories from the sites that you’re already visiting and helping you discover sites that you didn’t know existed. In this way, our goal is the “cessation of Internet stagnation.

Simply put, Alltop is the place to go if you want to find quality blogs and websites listed by category. Now my wife is happy, so I’m happy.

ON ANOTHER NOTE. One of my favorite parts of this blog has been meeting and connecting with my readers. Comments are obviously one way to do this, but here are some other ways you can connect with me if you so desire:

Twitter - follow me here.

Stumbleupon - befriend me here.

delicious - add me to your network here

Finally, here’s a little hero shot since I haven’t talked about my day job much lately. This was taken on my initial solo in the T-6 Texan during Undergraduate Pilot Training (UPT) last year. Fun times people!

One wonderful thing about being married is getting to hear about manhood from a woman’s perspective. This is valuable intel. Kind of like crossing behind enemy lines and finding out what they’ve picked up on while you’ve been going about your business.

There are many lessons I’ve learned discussing manhood with my wife and her friends, but one has been mentioned more than any other: women’s frustration with the inability of men to make a decision.

I was a bit surprised when I first heard this. Out of all the shortcomings of men I figured B.O. or disdain for discussing feelings would rank much higher. After all, don’t women want to make the calls in the relationship? It turns out they don’t.

Let’s run through a quick scenario that happens every day in relationships:

Woman: So what are we going to do tonight?
Man: I don’t know, what do you want to do?
Woman: I don’t know, why don’t you choose?
Man: I really don’t care, I’m good with anything
Woman: Fine then, how about we get some coffee?
Man: Umm, actually I’m not really in the mood to go out, why don’t we just stay home tonight?

And so it goes. The man thinking he’s being a gentleman by constantly deferring to the woman and the woman frustrated that her man is either too lazy, apathetic, or scared to make a decision. Enough! It’s time for men to be men and this means being a leader in your relationships. What does this look like?

Decide - If she asks you to decide, then decide. It’s not a test or some type of trick. Being a leader means making decisions. There is a tactful and loving way to do this, but for some guys just the simple act of deciding can seem paralyzing. Trust that your partner wants to follow you and lead.

Plan Ahead - Women love when you plan things out. Not only does it show them you care enough to coordinate your time together, but it shows them you’re capable of leading the relationship. Make reservations, buy tickets ahead of time and show that you know how to plan ahead.

Be Yourself - If you don’t want to see the movie, then say that. If you want to spend the night alone instead of inviting others, make your opinion known. Obviously there are times when you must compromise and do what your partner wants, even if you don’t, but it’s o.k. to disagree from time to time.

Please don’t be confused. I’m not saying that you should control every aspect of the relationship or plan every minute. It’s definitely possible to go too far in this direction. What I’m calling for is a healthy relationship where the woman can trust that her man is willing and able to lead. So, be a gentleman and make a decision.

Every month I try to give a quick summary of some of my favorite posts, a smörgåsbord (yes, I finally used that word in a blog!) of what I’ve been reading and enjoying. Here’s the rundown:

The Void @ Tony Morgan Live - From the page, “Without vision, people will define their own vision and the loudest voice will prevail.” Ideas every leader should understand.

The Cult of Abundance, Goal Autoimmune Disorder, & Abundance 2.0 @ The Growing Life - Great thoughts on the growing craze surrounding, “The Secret” and other abundance teachings and why they may do more harm then good.

“Finding Yourself” Is a Crock @ The Art of Manliness - From the post, “Most of the time that I’ve heard, ‘Oh, I really think I just need to find myself,’ it involves a 20-something kid that still can’t decide what they want to do with their life. It’s typically used as a cop-out to wriggle out of committing to a woman or as a cover to continue putting off any kind of real responsibility. It’s what man-boys tell themselves while they continue to play video games 7 hours a day, get smashed every weekend, and sleep with anyone that’s willing.” Enough said.

Gaining Perspective Helps to Achieve Excellence in Life @ My Super-Charged Life - A look at how to gain better perspective and achieve excellence. Very solid advice.

“The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch, a 47-year old Carnegie Mellon professor recently told by doctor’s that he has only months to live. These are the lessons he felt needed passing on in his final days. Many of you have already seen this, but in case you haven’t it’s simply incredible.

Six Habits of Highly Effective Mentees @ Ben Casnocha’s Blog - We always concentrate on the traits of a good mentor, but Ben takes the time to look at what traits are found in a good mentee. Good advice for anyone wanting to build quality relationships with mentors.

Kurt Vonnegut: 8 Basics of Creative Writing @ Gotham Writer’s Workshop - One thing blogging has done for me is challenged me to become a better writer. These are some great and hilarious tips from one of the master’s of creative writing. If you like nice little stories, read with caution.

When I was young there was a show I watched on Nickelodeon called, “Are You Afraid of the Dark,” a horror-themed kid’s series which basically portrayed various ghost stories and urban legends each week to millions of wide-eyed adolescents like myself. The show was quite a hit because it focused on something that most of us had in common at that age, an unexplainable fear of the dark. Like most, I was constantly consumed by the idea that a whole new evil world existed in my closet as soon as my mom kissed me goodnight and switched off the lights.

Most kids have this fear and eventually grow out of it. Lately, though, I have begun to believe that the average college and 20-something has replaced this fear with an entirely new one, the fear of silence.

How many times have you been alone at home and turned on the television, not to watch anything, but simply for the background noise? When you hop in the car you turn on some music. Going on a run…can’t forget the iPod. I know friends that have to have some sort of noise just to fall asleep at night!

Our lives have slowly become enveloped by a white noise that all of us feel quite naked without. Noise has become for us at age 24 what a night light was at age 5. Don’t believe me? When is the last time you drove to school or work in complete silence? Or spent a day without turning on the t.v. or stereo?

While many brush this fact off as a funny quirk, I contend that this phobia is a destructive one, keeping us from the deeper things of life, the things buried deep down in the soul…the things that only come out in solitude and the heaviest of silence.

In, “Death by Suburb,” author David Goetz explains, “The deeper spiritual life is never a direct route…In the toxic dump of efficiency and control, though, the first act must be countercultural — a decision not to act.” Silence is hard and scary and aggravating because it’s nothing in a world that is constantly seeking something.

Many of the great thinkers and philosophers throughout history have grappled with the effects of silence’s partner solitude. In “Walden,” Henry David Thoreau revealed, “I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.”

Someone sitting in a small apartment in New York City is now reading this going, “Walden! Anyone could explore the richness of silence and solitude, ‘along the shores of Walden Pond,’ but I live in a city that never sleeps, among people that never shut up!” True. But maybe exploring the deeper life of silence and solitude is has nothing to do with geography.

Maybe exploring the things of the soul, the things of God and self requires nothing more than stopping. As Goetz puts it,

For spiritual development and entrance into the thicker, more reflective life, solitude is more inside space than it is outside space. Solitude isn’t something to consume, like a summer vacation at Lake Tahoe…It begins incrementally with the practice of becoming still. For a minute, for two minutes, for five minutes–not necessarily in beholding a snowcapped mountain peak, but simply in stopping the pursuit of efficiency…And to stop the scheming inside my head.

As I’ve tried to practice these times of silence and solitude I’ve discovered that often they are not so calming or relaxing as many would have you believe. In fact, sometimes they are miserable, a battle with myself…my mind wandering and me chasing after like a nagging headmaster to reign it back in…then me wondering things like, “If I am chasing my mind, does that mean my mind is chasing itself, like a dog chases it’s tail?” Ridiculous! Silence and stillness often don’t produce grand revelations…only more question marks. But every once and a while…it’s worth it.

Why do I tell you all this? Because being scared of the silence keeps us away from some of the greatest treasures in life. Our soul is an incredible thing, something God placed in man to make him like God. But the soul is mysterious…and can only be thoroughly examined in solitude and silence. Our lives, in many ways will depend on these moments of soul searching. And who would want to miss out by trading these moments for a little more background noise?

If you liked this article why not subscribe via RSS or e-mail so that you don’t miss out. Also, consider bookmarking this to delicious or Stumble. I’d appreciate it!

I recently wrote a guest post entitled, “Leading with Schwerpunkt” on my friend Glenn Packiam’s blog. Check it out and leave a comment if you have a chance. Here’s a quick teaser for you:

By creating a clear commander’s intent or focal point (Schwerpunkt), developing your followers into leaders and decentralizing control, you can create a powerful organizational culture that in turn will help you reach your objectives.

Since writing my post on the Lost Art of the Push-Up last month I’ve gotten a lot of feedback indicating a great interest in physical fitness. Keeping in theme with classic exercises that don’t require thousands of dollars of equipment or gym memberships I want to present 3 exercises that will give you an incredible workout and get you in great shape if done consistently.

1) push-up

2) pull-up

3) sit-up

These three exercises comprise the workout trifecta or the “Holy Trinity of fitness,” as reader Dave pointed out. They are a bit old-school, but they’ve stood the test of time and are still used today, with great success, by the U.S. military.

Here is a quick summary of the how’s of each exercise and what muscles they work.

Push-Up

1) Lie Face down on the floor with your legs together. Put your palms on the ground just more than shoulder width apart.

2) Look out ahead of you, not down. Look out ahead of you and focus on something to keep your head from bobbing up and down during the exercise.

3) While pushing yourself up keep your back as straight as possible. Imagine a board running down your back from your head to your toes. Don’t stick your butt in the air and don’t go the opposite direction looking like a seal with your back arched. Keeping your back straight is key in working out your whole body.

4) As you reach the top, take a breath and then start down. Lower yourself until your arms are bent at a 90 degree angle, but don’t let yourself rest on the floor. Lots of people let their chest touch the floor, but this is a weak way of doing push-ups and your cheating yourself if you do this.

5) Repeat until you can no longer push yourself up. Going to failure is extremely uncomfortable, but nothing else will give you a more accurate indication of where you are physically

Muscles Worked:

• Chest
• Triceps
• Shoulders

Pull-Up

1) Find a Hanging Surface. Most people prefer a metal bar of some sort, but any surface that will allow you to hang down at arm’s length will work. You can purchase doorway pull-up bar at most sporting goods stores or online.

2) Hang Palms Facing Away. This is the difference between a pull-up and a chin-up. With a chin-up your palms are facing you and you work different muscles, mainly biceps. For a pull-up you palms should be facing away from you. This is a bit harder, but it works your back a lot more. Position your hands a bit wider than shoulder width. You can vary this as width to work different muscles, but this is a good starting place.

3) Cross Your Feet. By crossing your feet you keep your legs from thrashing around and also help keep them bent a little bit. Legs have no place in this exercise, so keep ‘em crossed and still.

4) Pull Yourself Up. Seems simple enough, but if you’ve never done pull-ups, chances are you may only be able to do 1 or 2, if any. No problem, you’ll get there (more on getting started below). While pulling yourself up remain controlled. Pull yourself up until your chin is over the bar.

5) Lead With Your Chest. Imagine pointing your sternum right at the pull-up bar, this will help ensure proper body position and keep you from injuring shoulders. Looking up during the pull-up will help this happen more naturally.

6) Lower Yourself Down. Don’t let yourself just fall down, be controlled. By controlling yourself on the way down you are working your muscles throughout the whole exercise and preventing injuries that can occur from slamming your body weight down on joints and muscles

Help, I Can’t Even Do One - Most people can’t do a pull-up right out of the gate so don’t feel bad. Here are some ways to get started:

• Ask someone to help. If you have a workout partner have them hold your sides and push you as you go up. Make sure they pushing you up…I’ve had “partners” spot me and push me forward which didn’t work out so well.
• Use the Lat pull-down machine. By increasing your weight on this machine you will be building the muscles necessary for pull-ups.
• Use a resistance band. These can help you on the way up…this is good if you don’t have a partner

Muscles Worked:

• Back
• Arms
• Shoulders

Here’s an awesome post on pull-ups from StrongLifts.com

Sit-Up

1) Anchor Your Feet. Whether you have someone hold down on your feet or you slip them under something sturdy like a couch or a sit-up bar at the gym the important thing is to anchor your feet.

2) Arms Crossed Over Chest. Many people put their hands behind their heads, but this can result in an injury. The best technique is keeping your arms crossed over your chest. Not only is it safer, it forces you to use your abs rather than momentum from jerking your head up with your arms.

3) Touch Legs with Elbows. Go up until your elbows touch your thigh. Flex your abs as you reach the top and give a wink to the person holding your feet just to show them that you’re a fitness god.

4) Go Down Until Your Shoulders Touch the Ground. Don’t bounce yourself, but make sure that you go back down all the way. By having your shoulders touch the ground you are making sure to get the full range of the exercise. Don’t, however, let yourself rest between sit-ups…touching the ground is not the same as laying on the ground.

Muscles Worked:

• Abdominals
• Obliques
• Hip Flexors

These three exercises are by no means the only exercises one should do to get themselves in top physical shape, but they provide a very solid base from which to start building. Obviously one would be wise to do some sort of cardio exercise like running or bicycling and weight training if possible. What makes these three exercises so great is the wide range of muscles they cover and the fact that they can be done almost anywhere.

Finally, for kids these exercises are wonderful. Weight lifting can be hazardous to a young person’s development, but these exercises can provide great muscle development in a safe way. Start doing this workout trifecta on a regular basis and see for yourself how good they are.

Do you think these are the top three exercises? Why or why not?

If you liked this article why not subscribe via RSS or e-mail so that you don’t miss out. Also, consider bookmarking this to delicious or Stumble. I’d appreciate it!

**Editor’s Note: The following is a guest post by Glenn Packiam, author of “Butterfly in Brazil: How Your Life Can Make a World of Difference,” songwriter, and worship pastor at New Life Church. Glenn was also the best man at my wedding and someone I spend hours with solving the world’s problems. His awesome blog can be found here

Isn’t it an unfortunate truth that the knowledge required before an experience is only gained after the experience is over? Last summer, my first book was published by Tyndale House. It was a great experience and certainly marked a dream coming true. But, oh, if I could do it again! Rookie mistakes are inevitable in every field, and writing is no exception.

Here are a few thoughts on what I’ve learned through long meetings with my editors, patient advice from more seasoned writers, and the wonderful gift of hindsight.

1. Great ideas are not enough

Just as a good product is not enough to make it fly off the shelf, good ideas don’t automatically make a good book. Hard is it may seem to believe, it actually takes good writing. In my opinion, there are three reasons a publisher says yes to a book proposal: a compelling story or idea, a unique writing style/voice, or a ridiculously large platform that is just about guaranteed to translate to large sales numbers. Or you can, as was the case with me, be average on all three counts and have a great agent who talks up your game!

Pro athletes, celebrities, and conference circuit speakers tend to get book deals because of the large platform for promoting their materials…but their work is often an insufferable read. Speaking and writing are related but separate skills. (Acting, playing sports, or being in a rock band usually have nothing to do with writing—or reading for that matter. But I digress.)

If you want to simply be an author, then find the quickest way to become famous—be a pro athlete on steroids, or a minor criminal, or a slutty porn star—and sign a deal for your tell-all tale. But if you want to be a writer, learn from good writers. Work on finding new ways of saying things. If you’re inclined to non-fiction topics, then for the love of art, read some fiction to learn some new adverbs!

Chances are, most of us will never gain a large enough sphere of influence to demand a book deal. So we need to take our great ideas and bring them to life through great writing. Donald Miller is a great current example of a guy who began with a fresh writing style, a few good ideas, and not much of a platform, and has turned into an influential voice and a really great writer because he paid attention to the fine art of story-telling. Which leads me to the next thing.

2. Everybody loves a good story

I was terrible about including stories. I used to think they were a waste of time. Who cares about silly anecdotal bits about Bob and Susie’s marriage? As it turns out, everyone. Well, not about Bob and Susie, per se, but about stories—anyone’s story. Stories are the language of life. It is how we learn everything.

We hear Mom and Dad talking about how Uncle John lost a bunch of money by betting it all on a single stock, and we learn to be diversified investors. We read about companies that grow by taking care of their employees and we learn to be kinder to out most valuable resource. While there will always be those who insist on distilling every story down to a few bullet points, it is the story itself that draws us in. You can flash all the statistics about the plight of children in Africa or the 2 million kids forced into sex-trafficking, but people stop and listen—and moreover, they remember—when you tell them a story of a single child.

The best stories are the ones that involve you. These were the stories I was most reluctant to tell. Why does anyone care about me? Well, they don’t. But if someone is going to take to time to read something you wrote, they would at least like to know a bit about you. How did you come to these ideas? Why do you believe them so strongly? What’s your story?

3. End with a beginning in mind
The best books are the ones where a chapter ends and we can’t help but peer over the edge of the next page to find out what happens next. Of course, what happens next doesn’t happen until about 5 pages into the next chapter and by that point you almost finished with that chapter and then you’ve got to know what happens after that. Even in non-fiction writing, each idea should tease at the ones to come. It should make the reader have a conversation in their head along these lines: “Well, OK, that may be true, but what about….? Is he going to address that? Oh, wait, he is…but in the next chapter!”

In a sort of macro sense, the book should end with a beginning in mind. Not a beginning of your book—though often you might re-write your beginning once you have reached your ending—but a beginning of something on the part of your reader. What will they now do, how will they now live, in what ways will they think differently? What new beginning in them will be sparked by the end of their journey with you? I hear you say, “But those sorts of questions seem more fit to be asked by a traveler than a teacher.” Ah, good point. It is mine exactly.

4. Write like a tour guide not like a telegram
My biggest early writing tendency was to approach a subject like I did my senior paper: with loads of research, quotes, and references, and an obnoxiously argumentative tone. That simply won’t do. There is a reason so many who have spent their lives in academia find it impossibly hard to communicate to the common person. Conversely, all the best-selling books by Ph.D’s are usually scoffed at in academic corridors as cheap, anemic pop-culture redactions of a complex subject. Responsible research aside, if we are going to write in a way that people will read, we must take them on a journey.

In this sense, non-fiction writing ought to mirror its fiction counterparts. Where is the tension in the ideas? Where is the human struggle to live out these truths? Guide them from point to point like a great tour guide. Make them see each scene, smell each moment. Use stories to make abstractions actual. Don’t talk about how small actions can trigger enormous consequences. Tell them about Rosa Parks. (There’s a page—literally—out of my own book.) I read a book on Sabbath that was written as elegantly and delightfully as a day at a quiet lake. How appropriate. I might not remember all the points, especially since his writing was not very linear. But that was a journey I’ll never forget.

Samuel Goldwyn once remarked, “If you want to send a message, use Western Union.” If you want to write, you’ll have to learn to become more patient. People don’t change by convincing arguments. They are changed by a compelling journey. That is why you write.

If you’ve been following my blog for the past few months you know that my family and I have spent the spring going through the process of buying our first house. Since this is a major decision I have tried to share with my readers the lessons we have learned (here and here). Now that we’ve finally found a home I wanted to look at some pitfalls for first-time home buyers. Some we narrowly avoided, others we fell right into, but they are valuable things to think about when facing this milestone. The following are 7 common first-time home buyer mistakes:

1. Don’t Ask Enough Questions - It’s often the case that people avoid asking questions when walking a path they know little about. This seems counterintuitive, but the fear of looking stupid or immature drives many first-time home buyers into making really poor decisions. Smart people ask questions.

When my wife and I decided to start the search for our first home I had my dad get me in touch with a good friend of his who had been a successful real estate agent for several decades. I spent 45 minutes on the phone with him one morning asking him every question I could think of in regards to buying a home. The knowledge I gained through this conversation was immense…not only did it help me avoid potential pitfalls, I acquired in 45 minutes what would have taken me weeks or months of reading and research to discover. ASK QUESTIONS!

2. Underestimate Additional Costs - If only the cost of buying a house was wholly represented by the sticker price, life would be so much easier. Unfortunately the purchase price is just one of many costs included in purchasing a home. Earnest money, lending fees, closing costs and home owner’s insurance are the obvious ones that come to mind, but often people fail to account for other future costs as well.

For example, the landscaping for the backyard was not included in the purchase agreement for our house so we will need additional money to put up a fence, lay sod and plant trees and shrubs. On top of this we will have to buy paint, supplies, window dressings, etc. And then comes utilities, maintenance, the list goes on and on. Because the purchase price is the most visible, first-time home buyers often unconsciously think of this as the single cost that drives their purchase decision rather than one part, albeit significant, of a much larger equation.

3. Overestimate How Much They Can Afford - I wrote a post earlier on determining how much of a house you can afford. Unfortunately, many first-time buyers either don’t take the time to really determine this or they take the largest amount that they qualify for as the amount they can afford…not necessarily true. The lender is simply using a few different formulas to determine what they feel they can safely loan you, but this doesn’t mean you can really afford this much house.

When you find the perfect house that costs a little more than you can really afford, it’s easy to think that you will just suck it up and find the money. Reality is often far less kind. The last thing you want is to be stuck with a house that is a major drain on you and your family, leaving you with the sick, heavy feeling of financial drowning. Be realistic about what you can afford and stick to it.

4. Forget About Resale - As exciting as buying your first home can be, chances are it will not be long before you are ready to sell. According to Realtor.org the average first-time home buyer only stays in their home for 4 years. Characteristics about a house that makes it uniquely perfect for you might not be as attractive to other home buyers.

For example, my wife and I don’t have school aged children, but we realized that finding a house in a great school district will be important, not for us quite yet, but for the majority of other home buyers. Things like school districts, age of house and major features like the roof, plumbing, electrical system, and type of community developing around the house and neighborhood all play important roles in resale.

5. “Tim the Tool Man” Syndrome - Home repair is much like driving…everyone considers themselves above average. The tendency of many first-time home buyers is to look for “fixer-uppers,” partly because of the reduced price and partly out of the naive romanticism of building your house with a hammer, some nails and the sweat off your brow. In home speak, “fixer-upper” normally means “money drain.”

Watch any house flipping show on television and you’ll see that remodeling a home almost always costs more, takes longer and results in far less enjoyment than owners expect. Obviously there are some that have the skills, patience and desire to take on projects like this. But, for the rest of us, put the drill back in it’s case and buy a home that requires only minor improvements.

6. Forget They’re Buying a Neighborhood - Many first-time home buyers are so excited to get into their first house that they become like a horse with blinders, falling in love with a house, but failing to see the terrible neighborhood surrounding it. Location is the number one driver in real estate. Having the best house in the neighborhood can actually be a terrible thing when it comes to the future value of your home.

Look for the least expensive house in a really nice neighborhood. It’s age-old advice, but true. This isn’t always a sure thing, but it definitely will get you on the right track when it comes to buying in a good location. After all, the nicest starter home on the market is worthless if your neighbor likes to keep rusted cars in his front yard and wild hyenas in the back (You laugh, but stuff like this happens, trust me).

7. Buying Before They’re Ready- Sometimes it’s a much better decision to continue renting rather than buying a home. This is hard for some people to swallow being that home ownership is often touted as the greatest single investment one can make. This is true in some cases, but all one has to do is look at the current mortgage mess and see that often times home ownership is actually a financial disaster in the making. Ramit Sethi makes some great points concerning the benefits of the recent meltdown and I must say, I agree completely.

One of the best things to happen from the real-estate bust that we’re undergoing is to make people think twice about real estate as an investment. That’s right — to actually consciously think about why they’re making the biggest purchase of their lives, rather than just buying a house because “it’s the next thing to do.”

Buying a house is exciting, fulfilling and can often times be incredibly rewarding, but it’s a decision that each person must make for themselves. It should be researched and discussed thoroughly, not jumped into because it seems like the next step in the “becoming an adult” process.

What mistakes have you made in this area? What would you differently if you could purchase your first home again? Comment below with your answers.

If you liked this article why not subscribe via RSS or e-mail so that you don’t miss out. Also, consider bookmarking this to delicious or Stumble. I’d appreciate it!