Marriage Rules: Fighting Clean

If you are married you can be certain that there will be conflict. Conflict can either destroy a marriage or make it stronger, it all depends on how you view it and how you choose to deal with it. My last marriage post, Top 5 Reasons for Marital Conflict, dealt with the primary sources of contention. As Aaron Stern, pastor and close friend, is fond of telling married couples, “All conflicts are the result of unrealistic, uncommunicated or unmet expectations.”

This post is about knowing how to do conflict well. It may seem like an oxymoron to some, but there is a good way and a bad way to do conflict. The bad way ends in avoidance, hurt, frustration and unresolved issues. The good way of doing conflict ends in greater trust, love, understanding and a resolution. Stern gave my wife and I the following rules just before we were married and they have allowed conflict to help, rather than hurt, our marriage.

RUMBLE RULES:

Don’t hurt each other – physical or otherwise, this is non-negotiable. If you cannot fight without hurting each other there are serious issues that need to be resolved quickly. Seek a good marriage counselor.

Don’t bargaining/threaten – For example, if you don’t do this I won’t have sex with you. Individual rights are secondary to the health of the relationship. The definition of love is a laying down of your life for the benefit of another. A healthy marriage is one where both partners understand that they have essentially given up their individual rights in service of their spouse. As with most aspects of marriage, this only works when both people are operating under these parameters, constantly trying to out-serve the other.

Don’t bring up the past – love keeps no record of wrongs. Too often people in a relationship keep a running tally of offenses in their head to use as ammunition in future fights. “Go into relationships with eyes wide open…get married with eyes half shut,” says Stern. It is best to approach each issue on its own rather than hitting your spouse with an avalanche of grievances.

Don’t attack the foundations – For example, starting out with a disagreement over paying bills on time or showing up late to dinner and jumping straight to “you don’t love me,” or “you don’t trust me.” The conflict may have been quite small, but by attacking foundations you now just poured gasoline on it and lit the match.

Don’t go out looking to drum up support – Don’t go out and tell your friends, “Guess what my spouse did the other night!” The purpose of marriage is to protect your spouse not to throw them to the wolves. Also, it is rarely a good idea to bring your in-laws into your conflict. Their bias towards their own child makes the situation sticky.

Set up Systems – Do whatever you need to ensure the conflict is productive and safe. If you have a bad tendency to interrupt each other, go elementary-school style and use a talking stick. Whoever is holding the stick has the floor and the other person must sit silently and listen until they have the stick. If one partner needs 10 minutes of cool-down time before discussing the issue, make allowances for that.

Don’t exaggerate/polarize – Avoid using terms such as, “always” or “never,” which are rarely accurate and polarize the conversation. The tendency in any fight is to take an extreme position to emphasize your point. The result of this, your partner then takes their position to the extreme opposite side making it much harder to find any sort of middle ground.

When my wife and I first started dating we got into a huge fight over whether she would stay at home with our kids or not. Things started off fine (our views were actually quite similar), but went downhill quickly. By the end she was vowing to never have kids and I was demanding 10 children and that she stay barefoot and pregnant doing housework the rest of her life. In reality, this was not what either of us wanted, but in an effort to prove our points we exaggerated greatly and polarized the discussion.

Even the word “conflict” makes some people shudder. The idea of confrontation is uncomfortable, but by learning to fight clean you can take the sting out of conflict and make it a very useful and valuable aspect of your marriage.

Other useful marriage posts:
- Say What You Need
- Top 5 Reasons for Marital Conflict

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