A great observation on humanity and food at The Mission & Vision blog,

“The shortcut to humanizing any person—renowned or unknown—is to eat a meal together. You realize we’re all dependant on God to provide food for our sustenance, and the barriers of formality begin to crumble when you take turns in the buffet line, reach for a chocolate chip cookie, or wipe your face with a napkin.” – Pastor Jamie Munson, Mars Hill Church

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Judah James Schaefer was born early Saturday morning. He is 7lbs 1oz, 19 1/4 in. long, has what we initially thought was blond hair, but now is looking more like a very light brown, and has quite long feet and hands (I see a future Van Cliburn or Michael Phelps…not sure which).  As far as labors go, it went very well and quite quickly.  Marelize was a trooper as usual and Judah was born 5 hours after arriving at the hospital.

Everyone is excited to have Judah here finally.  Marelize, since she doesn’t have to carry a basketball in her stomach anymore.  Malone, so she can have a “real-life” baby to take care of, sing to and eventually (an educated guess) boss around.  And finally, I am excited because I now have a son for whom I can buy all sorts of wonderful things like hatchets (both the cutting tool and the book by Gary Paulson), guns, fireworks, etc.  I can also make my best attempt at teaching him the Art of Manliness.  He is a great joy and we’re so happy to have him in the Schaefer tribe.

Here are a few pictures from the last two days:

On the green they watched their sons
Playing till too dark to see,
As their fathers watched them once,
As my father once watched me
~Edmund Blunden

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This was the title of a recent sermon I heard last Sunday at church. It struck a chord because it put into words an often overlooked reality: real change takes community.

Many of today’s most popular authors, talk-show hosts, and life coaches preach that YOU have the power to change yourself. If you just look inside yourself, focus on enough positive thoughts, profess the correct words over yourself, than you can do it. And why not? The thought strikes an emotional chord in all of us. We desperately want to believe that we hold the power of change inside of us. But we don’t.

All of us have tried to change things on our own and how has that worked out? Maybe you are a superman or woman, but I would be lying if I told you that my solo-attempts at change resulted in great success. From working out more consistently, to becoming more patient, to sticking to a budget…constant failure. Each time was like running my car into a brick wall, backing up, pressing harder on the gas pedal and running into it again. Why? I was ignoring an inconvenient truth:

Change does not happen in isolation, change happens in the midst of quality human relationships.

Why do we run from this reality? Could it be that in our pride we don’t like the idea of exposing our weaknesses to others? Does it hurt our ego’s that maybe we can’t do everything on our own?

There is a toxic idea being preached in modern society that the strength of a man or woman is found in their independence. It’s a false and destructive idea.

We are the strongest when we are connected to others.

Since creation, man has been meeting together in groups whenever something needs to be accomplished. And in the process of meeting a need, each member of the group is strengthened. The local church, Alcoholics Anonymous, the Freemasons, political parties, book clubs, and bowling leagues just to name a few. In all of it, there is a common understanding that two heads are better than one and the strengths and weaknesses found in a diverse group of people can be matched in a way that makes everyone better.

But lately this trend of civic, religious, political and every other type of community involvement has taken a nosedive. Robert Putnam’s landmark study of American community in “Bowling Alone,” showed a distinct trend of more isolation rather than connectedness.  This dangerous pattern must be reversed, and quickly.

If you want lasting, meaningful change, you must surround yourselves with people who can help guide you in the right direction. In my own life, the local church has provided a crucial role in helping me develop into the type of person I want to be.

Without the relationships I experienced in this setting I would still be stuck fighting the same personal struggles I was 6 years ago…no progress. Instead I have been able to grow, develop and in doing so help mentor others in the same areas in which I used to struggle.

Real development and real change because of real relationships.

The following are just a few benefits of being part of a community:

1) Empathy – in a community of diverse people with various backgrounds, the chances of meeting someone who has already gone through the very things you struggle with are quite high. Someone will understand where you’re coming from and this will provide you with encouragement and a feeling of safety and trust.

2) Accountability – As I have blogged about before, there is no use developing a personal goal unless you plan on having someone hold you accountable. Someone to call you each week and make sure you are staying on track, someone to walk through the process with you. Being a part of community automatically gives you a support team ready to hold you accountable.

3) Collective Wisdom – Great decisions happen in the counsel of many advisers. The “wisdom of the crowds” makes being connected to a strong and intelligent crowd incredibly important when trying to navigate through life. If you don’t know the answer to a question, someone in your community probably does. Your weaknesses are offset by community’s strengths.

4) Networking – Ever met those people in life that have “a guy” for almost everything? They navigate through life with ease because they know the right people. Are they just lucky? Chances are, they have discovered the power of networking. Being part of a healthy community offers countless opportunities to network and in doing so make connections that will greatly benefit every area of your life.

Being a part of a community like your local church, reading group, or running club is the quickest way to make the changes you desire in your personal life a reality. By connecting with like-minded people and being open and honest, real change can and will happen. So quit trying to do it on your own and become an active member of a community because life is meant to be shared with others.

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Nearly every morning for the past 5 years I have sat down and read a chapter from the book of Proverbs.  Since there are 31 in all it sets up nicely for reading one a day.  It continues to amaze me the depth of wisdom found in each chapter covering every area of life from relationships to money to career advice.  If you have never read the book of Proverbs I highly recommend it.  Here are seven that enjoy terribly and share with you in hopes that they will benefit you as much as they have me:

“The wicked flee though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion.” – Proverbs 28:1

Ever had someone start defending themselves before you even threw out an accusation?  Guilt has a funny way of making people weak and paranoid. We’ve all been there before and it’s a miserable way to live.  Hence the huge weight being lifted off our shoulders we often experience when we confess a wrongdoing.

On the opposite end, if you live with integrity and complete honesty you are, “relaxed and confident,” using the words of Eugene Peterson.  When the company has an audit or your work is investigated in some way you can be strong because you know you are in the right, bold as a lion.

“One person gives freely, yet gains even more; another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty.” – Proverbs 11:24

Most of us have heard the age-old adage, “It is better to give than receive,” and gave it a smile and nod, not paying it much mind.  Perhaps though there is a bit more depth to this idea than we realize.  Generosity obviously benefits the person on the receiving end, but the effects on the giver can be just as strong if not stronger. This principle applies to giving money as well as time and resources.

A 1998 study at Cornell University found that volunteering increases a person’s energy, self-esteem and sense of mastery over life. Other studies have shown that volunteers live longer and experience better health.  In a famous study at Harvard, the “Mother Teresa effect” was born after, “Researchers showed 132 Harvard students a film about Mother Teresa’s work among the Calcutta’s poor, and then measured the level of immunoglobin A present in their saliva. The test revealed markedly increased levels of Immunoglobin A, which is the body’s first defense against the common cold virus — all after simply witnessing somebody else involved in charity work.” (Sound Medicine, emphasis mine).  Start giving today!

“A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” – Proverbs 12:4

One of the most important decisions you will make in your life is who you marry.  All of us have seen great marriages as well as terrible ones and the products of each seem to multiply over time.  Nothing is worse than seeing two people suffering through a miserable marriage.  It really is like decay in the bones.  On the other hand, a great marriage is a pleasure to be around, the effects seem touch everyone in close proximity.

People often ask how I knew Marelize was “the one.” While I don’t think there’s a right answer to this question, I always say that I knew by the fact that I was proud to introduce her to my family and friends.  When they would meet her for the first time I didn’t even feel like I needed to be in the same room.  She could shine on her own and I knew they would see the quality of her character without me needing to point it out.  A spouse with character is indeed a great reward.

“One person pretends to be rich, yet has nothing; another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth.” – Proverbs 13:7

In a culture that worships the rich and famous it is common to see people trying to project the image of wealth without actually having any.  And just the process of trying to look like you have it all can actually keep you from really acquiring any of it.  Going into debt in an attempt to keep up with the Jones’ is incredibly foolish, but all too common.

As Warren Buffet so aptly stated, “I just naturally want to do things that make sense. In my personal life too, I don’t care what other rich people are doing. I don’t want a 405 foot boat just because someone else has a 400 foot boat.” Much better to live below your means and slowly build your wealth even if it costs you some cool points.  In the end you’ll be the one everyone is trying to keep up with.  Financial advisor and talk show host, Dave Ramsey says it well “Live like no one else now so you can live like no one else for the rest of your life.”

“Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” – Proverbs 13:20

For the first several years of your life it is your parents that have the greatest influence on you.  Then around middle school it is your friends that become your primary influences for the remainder of your life.  My friend Aaron Stern (great new blog) always says, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.” He is on to something huge.

People naturally begin to imitate the people they spend the most time with.  If your friends like to whistle, you will mostly likely find yourself whistling after spending time with them.  If they like to read, chances are you will pick up a book the next time you’re out.  All of these things add up and largely determine the future outcome of your life.  So hang out with quality people, wise people…and keep yourself from fools.

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” – Proverbs 15:22

One thing that never ceases to amaze me is people’s fear of asking questions.  Businesses go bankrupt, opportunities go down the drain, and people make stupid decisions because they don’t take the time to ask others who have been there before.  Often times it is simply pride.  None of us like admitting that we don’t know what we’re doing.

The most successful people in the world all have a few things in common – they understand the importance of trusted advisers and they ask questions.  In my own life I have a group of men that I consistently go to with important life decisions.  They each have different backgrounds so the chances are high that I will get well-rounded counsel.  Their wisdom has saved me time and time again from making poor decisions.  Read more about building a personal council or board of directors here.

“Do not exalt yourself in the king’s presence, and do not claim a place among his great men; it is better for him to say to you, ‘Come up here,’ than for him to humiliate you before his nobles.” – Proverbs 25:6-7

While most of us are not likely to find ourselves in the presence of an actual king anytime soon, all of us have “kings” in our lives, people like our bosses, mentors and heroes.  One of the most awkward moments happens when someone assumes they are “one of the guys,” when they are not.  This is often a result of thinking of yourself more highly than you ought.

Situations like this can be all together avoided by being humble and letting others highlight you rather than jumping up to highlight yourself.  If you truly deserve credit and honor you won’t need to point it out, it will find you.

Have any favorite Proverbs of your own?  Please share! AND…

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For the past couple weeks I have been participating in the Air Force’s survival and resistance training course at Fairchild AFB in Spokane, WA, hence my lack of blog posts or communication as of late.  Driving home last Friday night I pulled onto my street and saw excited kids and families all shooting off fireworks together, a real Norman Rockwell scene.  And as I rounded the corner to our new house…I saw my wife and daughter.

It is hard to describe all the different emotions that ran through me as I pulled into our driveway.  A huge feeling of relief, joy, thankfulness and general relaxation washed over me like a wave.  It dawned on me as this was happening that EVERYONE NEEDS A HOME.

Now, I realize that not everyone is blessed to have grown up in a home environment or currently live in one that inspires the types of feelings I mentioned above.  To some the idea of home may actually be more akin to a nightmare than a place where you can hang your hat and fall into the love of your family.  Nevertheless, the need for a home is inside all of us.

Many have called this The Cheers Principle.  The lyrics to the show’s theme song reveal much about human nature and our desire for authentic community.

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they’re always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.

Understanding this principle can have dramatic effects on the way we lead and see the world around us.  In short, organizations that can make their employees and customers feel at home achieve the greatest success.

Creating a place where someone feels at home requires:

1. Trust – an organization lacking the trust of its employees and/or customers is much like a machine without oil, it will continue to operate, but each movement requires more work than the one before…and in the end it will self-destruct.  Trust is the greatest of social lubricants, allowing us to focus on the outcome more than grinding through the process.
2. Joy – do people smile in your organization?  Do they laugh?  Is it FUN?  One of the quickest ways to judge whether or not your organization is inspiring joy is to observe how often you hear side-splitting laughter.  Joy is a healthy part of every family environment.
3. Consistency – one thing about family is you always know what to expect.  Sure there are surprises every now and then, but in the end it’s a lot like Thanksgiving.  Uncle Joe will make an awkward toast, Cousin Cindy will make the same candied yams she has for the past 15 years and someone will be in the corner recliner snoring before the dessert has even been passed out.  We love it because it’s uniquely ours and it’s consistent.
4. Love – simple, not easy.  Love is living for someone else’s good.  Without love there is no home.  Without love an organization is simply going through the motions and has no chance of inspiring passion, courage, or dedication.

Us twentysomethings love community and we recognize and appreciate the organizations that know how to create a home.  Think of your favorite restaurant, coffee shop, or retail store.  Chances are you feel at home in each of them.  Do the employees know your name?  Are they always glad you came?

Just look at Google, they’ve taken this idea of creating a home seriously.  Check out the Top 10 Reasons to Work at Google taken straight from their website and notice how many times you see the traits of a home I mentioned above:

1. Lend a helping hand. With millions of visitors every month, Google has become an essential part of everyday life – like a good friend – connecting people with the information they need to live great lives.
2. Life is beautiful. Being a part of something that matters and working on products in which you can believe is remarkably fulfilling.
3. Appreciation is the best motivation, so we’ve created a fun and inspiring workspace you’ll be glad to be a part of, including on-site doctor and dentist; massage and yoga; professional development opportunities; on-site day care; shoreline running trails; and plenty of snacks to get you through the day.
4. Work and play are not mutually exclusive. It is possible to code and pass the puck at the same time.
5. We love our employees, and we want them to know it. Google offers a variety of benefits, including a choice of medical programs, company-matched 401(k), stock options, maternity and paternity leave, and much more.
6. Innovation is our bloodline. Even the best technology can be improved. We see endless opportunity to create even more relevant, more useful, and faster products for our users. Google is the technology leader in organizing the world’s information.
7. Good company everywhere you look. Googlers range from former neurosurgeons, CEOs, and U.S. puzzle champions to alligator wrestlers and former-Marines. No matter what their backgrounds Googlers make for interesting cube mates.
8. Uniting the world, one user at a time. People in every country and every language use our products. As such we think, act, and work globally – just our little contribution to making the world a better place.
9. Boldly go where no one has gone before. There are hundreds of challenges yet to solve. Your creative ideas matter here and are worth exploring. You’ll have the opportunity to develop innovative new products that millions of people will find useful.
10. There is such a thing as a free lunch after all. In fact we have them every day: healthy, yummy, and made with love.

Whether you are a business, church, or government organization you can benefit from creating an environment that feels like home.  Humans are social creatures made to thrive in relationship with one another.  Home is THE BEST social environment if done well.  It is good to be home.

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The twenties are an amazing time in life. For most of us it is the first time that we are truly on our own and free to choose our own path. It is an age where we essentially get to start with a clean canvas and begin painting the type of life we have dreamed of since childhood. It is an opportune time to try new things, new jobs, develop new habits and enjoy the lifestyle that comes with having little responsibility and endless amounts of energy.

The twenties are also foundational years for us and should not be wasted or lived unintentionally. With the help of some friends and mentors, the following are some of the best things we could think of to do in order to make the most of your twenties:

1. Surround yourself with wise mentors – you don’t know how to get somewhere you’ve never been. that’s why you need mentors– insight and help from people who are where you want to be. None of us know the answer to every curve ball that life throws our way, but with the help of others that have been there, our chances of making the best decision grow exponentially. Choose a diverse group of mentors and utilize their experience.
2. Become a lifelong learner – as mentioned above, the awesome thing about your twenties is that you gain a tremendous amount of freedom to pursue whatever direction in life you choose. With this freedom comes an opportunity to study things for your own enjoyment rather than because you were told to. It’s easy to think that because, “school’s out for summer,” that learning is out as well, but keeping your mind active and continually challenging yourself are key parts of living well and developing these habits in your 20’s will help keep you from becoming dumb and irrelevant.
3. Travel – the practice of leaving home to experience new locations and cultures is fundamental, and one that nearly everyone I posed the idea of this list to told me to include. There is something magnificent about traveling that goes beyond just snapping a few photos or placing thumbtacks on a map. Traveling helps us understand that life is much bigger than ourselves and inevitably leads us to the wonderful question, “why?” as we notice the differences from place to place. It is this lifestyle of “why” that is so valuable as we learn to question the way we all live rather than just taking everything at face value.
4. Learn to listen and handle criticism well – if there’s one deadly mistake I’ve seen made by many of my peers over the past few years it is the inability to receive criticism. Guess what, all of us have things we could do better at, especially in our 20’s. Toughen up a little and have enough maturity to realize that criticism is a healthy part of life and doesn’t require a poor attitude, excuse or rebuttal on your part. Most importantly learn from criticism.
5. Develop an active, healthy lifestyle – by adopting healthy habits such as eating well and exercising regularly in your 20’s you are setting yourself up for a much better quality of life. No great experience or event matters if you are not healthy enough to enjoy it. Learn to cook healthy meals and join a gym…if you’re really adventurous, run a marathon. Developing these habits at age 24 is far easier than age 44.
6. Read a classic – even though we are required to read a few classics here and there throughout school, if you’re like me you have forgotten most of the characters and plot twists by now. Take the time to read something by Dostoevsky, or if length is a big issue for you, try something like “Catcher in the Rye.” The issue isn’t so much the specific book, just developing a habit of reading for personal enjoyment. If you’re not sure where to start, check out this list made by my friend Brett at Art of Manliness.
7. Go on an overseas missions trip – Traveling is wonderful, but it is possible to travel the globe without ever really stepping outside of yourself. Some of the moments that have changed my life the most came serving others in the poorest and most broken places in the world such as helping in the rebuilding effort in Thailand after the devastating tsunami in 2005. It is well-known truth that we often find ourselves the strongest when we spend our lives in the service of others.
8. Create a monthly budget – often the big advice from financial planners for young people comes in a cheeky remark about cutting back on the Starbucks lattes. Well, I love Starbucks and don’t plan on giving up my coffee. Instead I’ve built them into a monthly budget. Building a monthly budget is foundational to a healthy financial life, by starting one and living by it in your 20’s you can ensure a solid financial situation for years to come.
9. Start a Roth IRA – I know of no better retirement vehicle than the Roth IRA. A Roth is unique because your money grows tax-free meaning at retirement age (currently 59 1/2) when you finally decide to pull out the money you have accumulated, you don’t have to pay any taxes on any of it. For a layman’s guide to the Roth IRA including how to start one, read my post on the subject here.
10. Buy a used car – it may be tempting to show how independent you’ve become by pulling up to your friend’s house in a brand new car, but fight the urge. You are losing thousands of dollars the second you roll out of the dealership parking lot. Even buying a year-old car will save you tons of money while still providing you with a relatively new vehicle. I mention this for twenty-somethings because I’ve seen so many of my friends bury themselves in debt over a car, one of the few “investments” in the world almost guaranteed to do nothing, but depreciate during its lifetime.
11. Understand basic investment principles – there is no doubt that financial illiteracy is rampant among young people mainly due to it’s weak to non-existent standing in secondary school curriculum. Most people do not truly begin understanding the basics of investing until they are at an age where it won’t make much of a difference anyway. The three principles I have written about here at Schaefer’s Blog which I think every young person should know include: 1) Time Value of Money 2) Pay Yourself First 3) Dollar-Cost Averaging
12. Go to a concert – Ever noticed that many people’s fondest memories start with, “One time we got tickets to (fill in the blank).” There is something amazing about live music and thousands of screaming fans that turns up the volume of our lives in all the right ways. Whether it’s Coldplay, U2, Celine Dion (my wife drug me to her show in Vegas and….it was actually pretty good) or Willie Nelson (one of the best I’ve seen) pony up and buy some tickets to a good concert.
13. Learn a foreign language – there’s something wonderful about communicating with someone in their native tongue; it breaks down cultural barriers like nothing else. The 20’s are a wonderful time to learn a new language as you travel the world and immerse yourself.
14. Start a blog – the ability to communicate one’s ideas in writing is an incredibly valuable asset. Blogging is similar to journaling, but with the added bonus of exposing your ideas to the scrutiny of millions of eagle-eyed online viewers. It’s amazing how quickly your writing improves when you realize that people will actually be reading your work. For more great reasons why you should start a blog read here.
15. Get your college degree – according to a recent report from the Commerce Department’s Census Bureau a college graduate can expect to earn approximately $900,000 more over their lifetime than those with only a high school diploma. Whether you like it or not, a college degree is one of those things that society considers an entry ticket for most well-paying jobs. Instead of lecturing everyone on why a college degree is overrated, just take the time to get one and save your lectures for the classroom.
    
16. Pay off credit cards – We’ve all heard the alarming stats yet few seem to be changing their behavior. The average college graduate it now entering the workforce with approximately $3,200 in credit card debt. Add to this student loans and it is easy to see why most in their 20’s take the attitude of, “I’ll deal with it later when I’m making more.” The problem is credit card debt can affect things like qualifying for a home loan, saving for retirement and building a solid credit rating. If you can’t pay off the full balance of your card every month then do yourself a huge favor and don’t use one in the first place. Secondly, whatever debt you do have, pay off as soon as possible – it will save you a lot of headaches in the future.
17. Stay in a hotel that costs over $200 a night – My wife and I had a debate about this one. I said you should do this in order to see that it’s not that much better than the $89-a-night Holiday Inn down the street. She disagreed, stating it was normally much better and one should stay in a nice hotel at least once in their 20’s just to treat themselves with a nice experience. So, I guess whatever way you look at it, staying in a nice hotel is something every twenty-something should do.
18. Read the Bible cover to cover – no other book has been cited by others, recounted in the arts, or debated in the public arena more than the Bible. And yet, very few have actually read it cover to cover. Being that this book covers so many fundamental issues central to life such as the role of God, man, sin, death, salvation, etc. it is something every person should read for themselves instead of relying on hazy quotes from the university philosophy professor or television evangelist. Man’s decision of what to do with God is one of the most integral he will ever make. Better to make this decision based on a personal encounter rather than off-hand information.
19. Explore your family of origin issues (positive and negative) and pursue growth – so many studies in sociology always end up pointing back to one’s family life growing up as the major factor in their growth and development. No doubt some of us experienced a wonderful family life while others went through something more akin to a nightmare. Either way the 20’s are a key time in understanding any family issues that may be holding you back and taking the necessary steps to find healing. It may require some counseling or may be as simple as calling your parents and telling them how much you love them.
20. Figure out the type of person you want to marry – I happened to get married at the age of 22 to my beautiful wife. This may seem young to many, but it has worked well for us. While I don’t think getting married in your 20’s is for everyone, it is definitely the time of life to start deciding what traits and values you desire in a future spouse. I’m not saying you need a 3 page checklist, but deciding on some of the non-negotiables will allow you to narrow in your focus and keep you from jumping into one poor relationship after another.

So, what have I missed? What should not be on the list and why? Please leave a comment and make your voice heard!

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One wonderful thing about being married is getting to hear about manhood from a woman’s perspective. This is valuable intel. Kind of like crossing behind enemy lines and finding out what they’ve picked up on while you’ve been going about your business.

There are many lessons I’ve learned discussing manhood with my wife and her friends, but one has been mentioned more than any other: women’s frustration with the inability of men to make a decision.

I was a bit surprised when I first heard this. Out of all the shortcomings of men I figured B.O. or disdain for discussing feelings would rank much higher. After all, don’t women want to make the calls in the relationship? It turns out they don’t.

Let’s run through a quick scenario that happens every day in relationships:

Woman: So what are we going to do tonight?
Man: I don’t know, what do you want to do?
Woman: I don’t know, why don’t you choose?
Man: I really don’t care, I’m good with anything
Woman: Fine then, how about we get some coffee?
Man: Umm, actually I’m not really in the mood to go out, why don’t we just stay home tonight?

And so it goes. The man thinking he’s being a gentleman by constantly deferring to the woman and the woman frustrated that her man is either too lazy, apathetic, or scared to make a decision. Enough! It’s time for men to be men and this means being a leader in your relationships. What does this look like?

Decide – If she asks you to decide, then decide. It’s not a test or some type of trick. Being a leader means making decisions. There is a tactful and loving way to do this, but for some guys just the simple act of deciding can seem paralyzing. Trust that your partner wants to follow you and lead.

Plan Ahead – Women love when you plan things out. Not only does it show them you care enough to coordinate your time together, but it shows them you’re capable of leading the relationship. Make reservations, buy tickets ahead of time and show that you know how to plan ahead.

Be Yourself – If you don’t want to see the movie, then say that. If you want to spend the night alone instead of inviting others, make your opinion known. Obviously there are times when you must compromise and do what your partner wants, even if you don’t, but it’s o.k. to disagree from time to time.

Please don’t be confused. I’m not saying that you should control every aspect of the relationship or plan every minute. It’s definitely possible to go too far in this direction. What I’m calling for is a healthy relationship where the woman can trust that her man is willing and able to lead. So, be a gentleman and make a decision.

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**Editor’s Note: The following is a guest post by Aaron Stern, pastor of the Mill, the college and 20-somethings ministry at New Life Church in Colorado Springs, CO. He is also a good friend and responsible for my wife and I meeting.

A few years ago I sat in my living room with a group of friends and asked the question, “What is the definition of friendship?” The answers were diverse, fun, deep and rich with experience. There were however a few big ideas that rose to the surface.

A friendship is characterized by enjoyment, trust and selflessness. In true friendship, all the feelings are mutual and, in the end, the friend is more important than the relationship itself.

I know now that I have great friends. How do I know? My wife and I just went through a crisis.

Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Crisis doesn’t make the man; it only exposes him for what he already is.” I think friendships are similar. Crisis doesn’t make friendships; it only exposes what is already there.

These last two months have been the most difficult times of our lives. We lost our baby girl when we were eight months pregnant. My wife gave birth; we had a memorial service, picked a headstone and buried a piece of our soul — something no parents should ever have to do.

Through it all, we have felt the incredible strength of friendship. We have been surrounded by people we thoroughly enjoy. People we trust implicitly with our exposed, hurting souls and broken dreams. We have experienced selflessness in the prayers, the meals made, the trips to the hospital in the middle of the night, the flowers, the gifts, the cards, the visits and the phone calls. And in this journey we discovered another characteristic of friendship that I would like to add to the description formulated not long ago in my living room.

Friends are those who walk through life with you.

Not just the fun times but the really difficult ones too. One of the most amazing things we have witnessed through this season of loss has been our friends grieving with us. Not just the “I feel so sad” kind of grief but an outright, wholehearted weeping, feeling the pain and carrying the burden in our darkest hour. They walked with us through the heartache and, in some measure, experienced it themselves.

John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” Of course Jesus was the perfect example of a friend. For me, though, the idea of Him laying down his life has seemed a bit one dimensional…shown only on the cross. However, I think there is more to it.

Jesus also laid down His life by coming from a perfect heaven to a broken earth. He is Immanuel, the God that came near to our lives and walks through it with us. David captures this idea so eloquently in Psalm 23, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” He doesn’t just give us the advice necessary to navigate life or say to us, “Meet you on the other side.” He walks straight through it all with us.

True friends walk through life with you. All of it. The ups. The downs. The highs. The lows. The best parts. The worst parts. The happy days. The sad days. All of it.

We are supposed to have friendships like that. We were designed to experience community like this. It encourages the weary soul, provides supporting strength, beats off the storms of loneliness, rallies when you feel out of steam, energizes the heart and keeps you leaning toward Jesus. We need it.

So do we have to wait for a crisis to find out if we have crisis-worthy friendships? No, we can make an honest evaluation today. Do we have friendships or merely acquaintances? Would our friends jump on an airplane at a moment’s notice, wherever they might be in the world, to come be at our side?

Wisdom says that to have a friend is to be a friend, so find out where your friends are and what they are facing and walk with them through it. Be to them the friend you hope to have when your tough time comes.

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Lately my wife and I have noticed that our 7-week old daughter Malone is starting to outgrow some of her newborn clothes. Suddenly, the jumpsuits that once enveloped her are now uncomfortably tight. Of course this is nothing surprising, from the moment they are born babies grow…its healthy. If she wasn’t growing that there would be a problem. A lack of growth indicates sickness and if not corrected, death. Thankfully, she’s growing like a weed.

But, growth is not just for babies. While most of us finally stop our physical growth in our late teens and early twenties, other areas of growth ie. mental, spiritual, emotional, relational must still occur if one hopes to live their best life. Just as a baby ceasing to grow would indicate sickness, so too with an adult ceasing to grow in any of these areas. Simply put, if you’re not growing, you’re dying.

In thinking about all of this I am reminded of a great saying I have heard a few times and something I’ve made into sort of a personal motto, “You’ll be the same person a year from now except for the books you read, the places you go and the people you meet.” To me these represent the primary ways that one continues to grow in life. Here’s why:

Books – Johannes Gutenberg, a German goldsmith and printer, invented movable type printing in the mid-15th century ushering in a revolution in the way that information and ideas were shared. Books brought about the democratization of information allowing people all over the world to learn things about people, places and things they had never seen or experienced. The same is true today.

Books allow us to travel, meet new people, walk ancient battle grounds and learn from a Nobel prize winner, all without leaving the comfort of our favorite recliner. Ideas have consequences, they shape how we view the world and interact within it. Books are essentially idea transporters that help us grow. Read, read, read.

Travel – The longer one lives life the more one realizes that they are just a small piece in a very large masterpiece. The way things are done in middle America is not necessarily the way things are done in the other 99% of the world, this can be a startling revelation to some. It is possible to learn a lot about different cultures through book, but nothing compares to immersing yourself. Eating new food, learning new languages, hearing different viewpoints are all growth experiences that make travel so incredible.

During my time at the Air Force Academy I had the opportunity to go to Mexico, Morocco, Germany, Thailand and South Korea. Each of these places taught me something unique and helped me grow in a different way. Without these trips, I can tell you without a doubt, that my worldview would be extremely limited and incomplete. More than anything, traveling has taught me that life is not about me.

People – Most often, the primary influences in our lives are friends and family. The people we choose to associate with are the people who have our ear, our minds and our hearts. My friend Aaron likes to say, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.” Look around at your friends, are they the people you want to become? Since people are such big influences, it makes sense that a big part of growing is continuing to meet new ones and more important than just meeting people, meeting the right people.

For me, one of the best and most unexpected part of blogging has been meeting so many motivated, quality people. Through comments, blog carnivals and various social media sites I have had the pleasure of meeting people from incredibly diverse backgrounds. Connecting with these people has taught me a great deal, not just about blogging, but about things like personal finance, personal development, social entrepreneurship, and the health care industry .

Obviously not everyone has the time or desire to blog, but the important thing is to constantly put yourself in positions where you will be able to meet new, quality people. Go to church, attend the symphony, volunteer, or join a book club. The method doesn’t matter as much as the end result, growth.

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After publishing my last post dealing with marriage, Say What You Need, I received some feedback indicating that more content in this area would be appreciated. Since I want this blog to be incredibly useful to my readers I started to look at my marriage and discern what has made it so successful thus far. As I indicated in my last marriage post, a lot of credit must go to Aaron Stern, pastor of theMill in Colorado Springs, CO, who led us through our pre-marital counseling and put tools in our hands to build a marriage that will last.

If you are married there is one thing that is certain: there will be conflict. It is impossible to live with someone day after day, for years on end without having some type of conflict. One of the keys to marital success is adopting a view that conflict is good! What?! Yes, conflict is good! Conflict always presents an opportunity for couples to work through issues and come out stronger on the other end. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating you start picking fights with your spouse for fun, but taking the fear out of conflict goes a long way in helping couples confront their issues.

Some of you may be reading this getting ready to bounce because you are not married and don’t feel this will apply to you…wait…if you are ever even thinking about getting married some day, this information will be useful for you as you begin surveying the land for potential mates.

The following is a list of the top five reasons for marital conflict:

1) a failure of communication

2) financial difficulties

3) sexual difficulties

4) problems with in-laws

5) disagreements over child rearing

“All conflicts are the result of unrealistic, uncommunicated or unmet expectations,” explains Aaron Stern. If you are already married, these should highlight areas to openly discuss often with your spouse. What are your expectations in each of these areas? If you disagree, how do you intend to work things out?

If you are unmarried, look at these as things to discuss with your boyfriend/girlfriend or fiancee before starting marriage in order to work out some ground rules before jumping in without clear expectations. Don’t wait until you get married and then realize that while you had always wanted 10 children your spouse doesn’t want any. Discussing your expectations clearly, early and often in each of these areas will go a long way to strengthen your marriage.

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