The twenties are an amazing time in life. For most of us it is the first time that we are truly on our own and free to choose our own path. It is an age where we essentially get to start with a clean canvas and begin painting the type of life we have dreamed of since childhood. It is an opportune time to try new things, new jobs, develop new habits and enjoy the lifestyle that comes with having little responsibility and endless amounts of energy.

The twenties are also foundational years for us and should not be wasted or lived unintentionally. With the help of some friends and mentors, the following are some of the best things we could think of to do in order to make the most of your twenties:

1. Surround yourself with wise mentors - you don’t know how to get somewhere you’ve never been. that’s why you need mentors– insight and help from people who are where you want to be. None of us know the answer to every curve ball that life throws our way, but with the help of others that have been there, our chances of making the best decision grow exponentially. Choose a diverse group of mentors and utilize their experience.
2. Become a lifelong learner - as mentioned above, the awesome thing about your twenties is that you gain a tremendous amount of freedom to pursue whatever direction in life you choose. With this freedom comes an opportunity to study things for your own enjoyment rather than because you were told to. It’s easy to think that because, “school’s out for summer,” that learning is out as well, but keeping your mind active and continually challenging yourself are key parts of living well and developing these habits in your 20’s will help keep you from becoming dumb and irrelevant.
3. Travel - the practice of leaving home to experience new locations and cultures is fundamental, and one that nearly everyone I posed the idea of this list to told me to include. There is something magnificent about traveling that goes beyond just snapping a few photos or placing thumbtacks on a map. Traveling helps us understand that life is much bigger than ourselves and inevitably leads us to the wonderful question, “why?” as we notice the differences from place to place. It is this lifestyle of “why” that is so valuable as we learn to question the way we all live rather than just taking everything at face value.
4. Learn to listen and handle criticism well - if there’s one deadly mistake I’ve seen made by many of my peers over the past few years it is the inability to receive criticism. Guess what, all of us have things we could do better at, especially in our 20’s. Toughen up a little and have enough maturity to realize that criticism is a healthy part of life and doesn’t require a poor attitude, excuse or rebuttal on your part. Most importantly learn from criticism.
5. Develop an active, healthy lifestyle - by adopting healthy habits such as eating well and exercising regularly in your 20’s you are setting yourself up for a much better quality of life. No great experience or event matters if you are not healthy enough to enjoy it. Learn to cook healthy meals and join a gym…if you’re really adventurous, run a marathon. Developing these habits at age 24 is far easier than age 44.
6. Read a classic - even though we are required to read a few classics here and there throughout school, if you’re like me you have forgotten most of the characters and plot twists by now. Take the time to read something by Dostoevsky, or if length is a big issue for you, try something like “Catcher in the Rye.” The issue isn’t so much the specific book, just developing a habit of reading for personal enjoyment. If you’re not sure where to start, check out this list made by my friend Brett at Art of Manliness.
7. Go on an overseas missions trip - Traveling is wonderful, but it is possible to travel the globe without ever really stepping outside of yourself. Some of the moments that have changed my life the most came serving others in the poorest and most broken places in the world such as helping in the rebuilding effort in Thailand after the devastating tsunami in 2005. It is well-known truth that we often find ourselves the strongest when we spend our lives in the service of others.
8. Create a monthly budget - often the big advice from financial planners for young people comes in a cheeky remark about cutting back on the Starbucks lattes. Well, I love Starbucks and don’t plan on giving up my coffee. Instead I’ve built them into a monthly budget. Building a monthly budget is foundational to a healthy financial life, by starting one and living by it in your 20’s you can ensure a solid financial situation for years to come.
9. Start a Roth IRA - I know of no better retirement vehicle than the Roth IRA. A Roth is unique because your money grows tax-free meaning at retirement age (currently 59 1/2) when you finally decide to pull out the money you have accumulated, you don’t have to pay any taxes on any of it. For a layman’s guide to the Roth IRA including how to start one, read my post on the subject here.
10. Buy a used car - it may be tempting to show how independent you’ve become by pulling up to your friend’s house in a brand new car, but fight the urge. You are losing thousands of dollars the second you roll out of the dealership parking lot. Even buying a year-old car will save you tons of money while still providing you with a relatively new vehicle. I mention this for twenty-somethings because I’ve seen so many of my friends bury themselves in debt over a car, one of the few “investments” in the world almost guaranteed to do nothing, but depreciate during its lifetime.
11. Understand basic investment principles - there is no doubt that financial illiteracy is rampant among young people mainly due to it’s weak to non-existent standing in secondary school curriculum. Most people do not truly begin understanding the basics of investing until they are at an age where it won’t make much of a difference anyway. The three principles I have written about here at Schaefer’s Blog which I think every young person should know include: 1) Time Value of Money 2) Pay Yourself First 3) Dollar-Cost Averaging
12. Go to a concert - Ever noticed that many people’s fondest memories start with, “One time we got tickets to (fill in the blank).” There is something amazing about live music and thousands of screaming fans that turns up the volume of our lives in all the right ways. Whether it’s Coldplay, U2, Celine Dion (my wife drug me to her show in Vegas and….it was actually pretty good) or Willie Nelson (one of the best I’ve seen) pony up and buy some tickets to a good concert.
13. Learn a foreign language - there’s something wonderful about communicating with someone in their native tongue; it breaks down cultural barriers like nothing else. The 20’s are a wonderful time to learn a new language as you travel the world and immerse yourself.
14. Start a blog - the ability to communicate one’s ideas in writing is an incredibly valuable asset. Blogging is similar to journaling, but with the added bonus of exposing your ideas to the scrutiny of millions of eagle-eyed online viewers. It’s amazing how quickly your writing improves when you realize that people will actually be reading your work. For more great reasons why you should start a blog read here.
15. Get your college degree - according to a recent report from the Commerce Department’s Census Bureau a college graduate can expect to earn approximately $900,000 more over their lifetime than those with only a high school diploma. Whether you like it or not, a college degree is one of those things that society considers an entry ticket for most well-paying jobs. Instead of lecturing everyone on why a college degree is overrated, just take the time to get one and save your lectures for the classroom.
    
16. Pay off credit cards - We’ve all heard the alarming stats yet few seem to be changing their behavior. The average college graduate it now entering the workforce with approximately $3,200 in credit card debt. Add to this student loans and it is easy to see why most in their 20’s take the attitude of, “I’ll deal with it later when I’m making more.” The problem is credit card debt can affect things like qualifying for a home loan, saving for retirement and building a solid credit rating. If you can’t pay off the full balance of your card every month then do yourself a huge favor and don’t use one in the first place. Secondly, whatever debt you do have, pay off as soon as possible - it will save you a lot of headaches in the future.
17. Stay in a hotel that costs over $200 a night - My wife and I had a debate about this one. I said you should do this in order to see that it’s not that much better than the $89-a-night Holiday Inn down the street. She disagreed, stating it was normally much better and one should stay in a nice hotel at least once in their 20’s just to treat themselves with a nice experience. So, I guess whatever way you look at it, staying in a nice hotel is something every twenty-something should do.
18. Read the Bible cover to cover - no other book has been cited by others, recounted in the arts, or debated in the public arena more than the Bible. And yet, very few have actually read it cover to cover. Being that this book covers so many fundamental issues central to life such as the role of God, man, sin, death, salvation, etc. it is something every person should read for themselves instead of relying on hazy quotes from the university philosophy professor or television evangelist. Man’s decision of what to do with God is one of the most integral he will ever make. Better to make this decision based on a personal encounter rather than off-hand information.
19. Explore your family of origin issues (positive and negative) and pursue growth - so many studies in sociology always end up pointing back to one’s family life growing up as the major factor in their growth and development. No doubt some of us experienced a wonderful family life while others went through something more akin to a nightmare. Either way the 20’s are a key time in understanding any family issues that may be holding you back and taking the necessary steps to find healing. It may require some counseling or may be as simple as calling your parents and telling them how much you love them.
20. Figure out the type of person you want to marry - I happened to get married at the age of 22 to my beautiful wife. This may seem young to many, but it has worked well for us. While I don’t think getting married in your 20’s is for everyone, it is definitely the time of life to start deciding what traits and values you desire in a future spouse. I’m not saying you need a 3 page checklist, but deciding on some of the non-negotiables will allow you to narrow in your focus and keep you from jumping into one poor relationship after another.

So, what have I missed? What should not be on the list and why? Please leave a comment and make your voice heard!

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One wonderful thing about being married is getting to hear about manhood from a woman’s perspective. This is valuable intel. Kind of like crossing behind enemy lines and finding out what they’ve picked up on while you’ve been going about your business.

There are many lessons I’ve learned discussing manhood with my wife and her friends, but one has been mentioned more than any other: women’s frustration with the inability of men to make a decision.

I was a bit surprised when I first heard this. Out of all the shortcomings of men I figured B.O. or disdain for discussing feelings would rank much higher. After all, don’t women want to make the calls in the relationship? It turns out they don’t.

Let’s run through a quick scenario that happens every day in relationships:

Woman: So what are we going to do tonight?
Man: I don’t know, what do you want to do?
Woman: I don’t know, why don’t you choose?
Man: I really don’t care, I’m good with anything
Woman: Fine then, how about we get some coffee?
Man: Umm, actually I’m not really in the mood to go out, why don’t we just stay home tonight?

And so it goes. The man thinking he’s being a gentleman by constantly deferring to the woman and the woman frustrated that her man is either too lazy, apathetic, or scared to make a decision. Enough! It’s time for men to be men and this means being a leader in your relationships. What does this look like?

Decide - If she asks you to decide, then decide. It’s not a test or some type of trick. Being a leader means making decisions. There is a tactful and loving way to do this, but for some guys just the simple act of deciding can seem paralyzing. Trust that your partner wants to follow you and lead.

Plan Ahead - Women love when you plan things out. Not only does it show them you care enough to coordinate your time together, but it shows them you’re capable of leading the relationship. Make reservations, buy tickets ahead of time and show that you know how to plan ahead.

Be Yourself - If you don’t want to see the movie, then say that. If you want to spend the night alone instead of inviting others, make your opinion known. Obviously there are times when you must compromise and do what your partner wants, even if you don’t, but it’s o.k. to disagree from time to time.

Please don’t be confused. I’m not saying that you should control every aspect of the relationship or plan every minute. It’s definitely possible to go too far in this direction. What I’m calling for is a healthy relationship where the woman can trust that her man is willing and able to lead. So, be a gentleman and make a decision.

**Editor’s Note: The following is a guest post by Aaron Stern, pastor of the Mill, the college and 20-somethings ministry at New Life Church in Colorado Springs, CO. He is also a good friend and responsible for my wife and I meeting.

A few years ago I sat in my living room with a group of friends and asked the question, “What is the definition of friendship?” The answers were diverse, fun, deep and rich with experience. There were however a few big ideas that rose to the surface.

A friendship is characterized by enjoyment, trust and selflessness. In true friendship, all the feelings are mutual and, in the end, the friend is more important than the relationship itself.

I know now that I have great friends. How do I know? My wife and I just went through a crisis.

Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Crisis doesn’t make the man; it only exposes him for what he already is.” I think friendships are similar. Crisis doesn’t make friendships; it only exposes what is already there.

These last two months have been the most difficult times of our lives. We lost our baby girl when we were eight months pregnant. My wife gave birth; we had a memorial service, picked a headstone and buried a piece of our soul — something no parents should ever have to do.

Through it all, we have felt the incredible strength of friendship. We have been surrounded by people we thoroughly enjoy. People we trust implicitly with our exposed, hurting souls and broken dreams. We have experienced selflessness in the prayers, the meals made, the trips to the hospital in the middle of the night, the flowers, the gifts, the cards, the visits and the phone calls. And in this journey we discovered another characteristic of friendship that I would like to add to the description formulated not long ago in my living room.

Friends are those who walk through life with you.

Not just the fun times but the really difficult ones too. One of the most amazing things we have witnessed through this season of loss has been our friends grieving with us. Not just the “I feel so sad” kind of grief but an outright, wholehearted weeping, feeling the pain and carrying the burden in our darkest hour. They walked with us through the heartache and, in some measure, experienced it themselves.

John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” Of course Jesus was the perfect example of a friend. For me, though, the idea of Him laying down his life has seemed a bit one dimensional…shown only on the cross. However, I think there is more to it.

Jesus also laid down His life by coming from a perfect heaven to a broken earth. He is Immanuel, the God that came near to our lives and walks through it with us. David captures this idea so eloquently in Psalm 23, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” He doesn’t just give us the advice necessary to navigate life or say to us, “Meet you on the other side.” He walks straight through it all with us.

True friends walk through life with you. All of it. The ups. The downs. The highs. The lows. The best parts. The worst parts. The happy days. The sad days. All of it.

We are supposed to have friendships like that. We were designed to experience community like this. It encourages the weary soul, provides supporting strength, beats off the storms of loneliness, rallies when you feel out of steam, energizes the heart and keeps you leaning toward Jesus. We need it.

So do we have to wait for a crisis to find out if we have crisis-worthy friendships? No, we can make an honest evaluation today. Do we have friendships or merely acquaintances? Would our friends jump on an airplane at a moment’s notice, wherever they might be in the world, to come be at our side?

Wisdom says that to have a friend is to be a friend, so find out where your friends are and what they are facing and walk with them through it. Be to them the friend you hope to have when your tough time comes.

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Lately my wife and I have noticed that our 7-week old daughter Malone is starting to outgrow some of her newborn clothes. Suddenly, the jumpsuits that once enveloped her are now uncomfortably tight. Of course this is nothing surprising, from the moment they are born babies grow…its healthy. If she wasn’t growing that there would be a problem. A lack of growth indicates sickness and if not corrected, death. Thankfully, she’s growing like a weed.

But, growth is not just for babies. While most of us finally stop our physical growth in our late teens and early twenties, other areas of growth ie. mental, spiritual, emotional, relational must still occur if one hopes to live their best life. Just as a baby ceasing to grow would indicate sickness, so too with an adult ceasing to grow in any of these areas. Simply put, if you’re not growing, you’re dying.

In thinking about all of this I am reminded of a great saying I have heard a few times and something I’ve made into sort of a personal motto, “You’ll be the same person a year from now except for the books you read, the places you go and the people you meet.” To me these represent the primary ways that one continues to grow in life. Here’s why:

Books - Johannes Gutenberg, a German goldsmith and printer, invented movable type printing in the mid-15th century ushering in a revolution in the way that information and ideas were shared. Books brought about the democratization of information allowing people all over the world to learn things about people, places and things they had never seen or experienced. The same is true today.

Books allow us to travel, meet new people, walk ancient battle grounds and learn from a Nobel prize winner, all without leaving the comfort of our favorite recliner. Ideas have consequences, they shape how we view the world and interact within it. Books are essentially idea transporters that help us grow. Read, read, read.

Travel - The longer one lives life the more one realizes that they are just a small piece in a very large masterpiece. The way things are done in middle America is not necessarily the way things are done in the other 99% of the world, this can be a startling revelation to some. It is possible to learn a lot about different cultures through book, but nothing compares to immersing yourself. Eating new food, learning new languages, hearing different viewpoints are all growth experiences that make travel so incredible.

During my time at the Air Force Academy I had the opportunity to go to Mexico, Morocco, Germany, Thailand and South Korea. Each of these places taught me something unique and helped me grow in a different way. Without these trips, I can tell you without a doubt, that my worldview would be extremely limited and incomplete. More than anything, traveling has taught me that life is not about me.

People - Most often, the primary influences in our lives are friends and family. The people we choose to associate with are the people who have our ear, our minds and our hearts. My friend Aaron likes to say, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.” Look around at your friends, are they the people you want to become? Since people are such big influences, it makes sense that a big part of growing is continuing to meet new ones and more important than just meeting people, meeting the right people.

For me, one of the best and most unexpected part of blogging has been meeting so many motivated, quality people. Through comments, blog carnivals and various social media sites I have had the pleasure of meeting people from incredibly diverse backgrounds. Connecting with these people has taught me a great deal, not just about blogging, but about things like personal finance, personal development, social entrepreneurship, and the health care industry .

Obviously not everyone has the time or desire to blog, but the important thing is to constantly put yourself in positions where you will be able to meet new, quality people. Go to church, attend the symphony, volunteer, or join a book club. The method doesn’t matter as much as the end result, growth.

After publishing my last post dealing with marriage, Say What You Need, I received some feedback indicating that more content in this area would be appreciated. Since I want this blog to be incredibly useful to my readers I started to look at my marriage and discern what has made it so successful thus far. As I indicated in my last marriage post, a lot of credit must go to Aaron Stern, pastor of theMill in Colorado Springs, CO, who led us through our pre-marital counseling and put tools in our hands to build a marriage that will last.

If you are married there is one thing that is certain: there will be conflict. It is impossible to live with someone day after day, for years on end without having some type of conflict. One of the keys to marital success is adopting a view that conflict is good! What?! Yes, conflict is good! Conflict always presents an opportunity for couples to work through issues and come out stronger on the other end. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating you start picking fights with your spouse for fun, but taking the fear out of conflict goes a long way in helping couples confront their issues.

Some of you may be reading this getting ready to bounce because you are not married and don’t feel this will apply to you…wait…if you are ever even thinking about getting married some day, this information will be useful for you as you begin surveying the land for potential mates.

The following is a list of the top five reasons for marital conflict:

1) a failure of communication

2) financial difficulties

3) sexual difficulties

4) problems with in-laws

5) disagreements over child rearing

“All conflicts are the result of unrealistic, uncommunicated or unmet expectations,” explains Aaron Stern. If you are already married, these should highlight areas to openly discuss often with your spouse. What are your expectations in each of these areas? If you disagree, how do you intend to work things out?

If you are unmarried, look at these as things to discuss with your boyfriend/girlfriend or fiancee before starting marriage in order to work out some ground rules before jumping in without clear expectations. Don’t wait until you get married and then realize that while you had always wanted 10 children your spouse doesn’t want any. Discussing your expectations clearly, early and often in each of these areas will go a long way to strengthen your marriage.

My wife and I have been married now for a year and a half…not very long, especially to be giving marriage advice, I know, but it has been a wonderful time and I can’t help believing that there are some fundamental pieces to our relationship that have made it so fulfilling and successful thus far. In my effort to share with my readers lessons in skilled living, I give you this piece of advice that has truly transformed the way both my wife and I think about our relationship: say what you need.

I must give credit to Aaron Stern, our pastor at the time and pre-marital counselor, for this wonderful concept. It was during our intense sessions of confessions and hypotheticals that he blessed us with this gem of wisdom.

Tell your partner what you need. It seems obvious, but what often happens is that one person wants something, but feels that their partner should know to fulfill that need without having to be told or asked. When the need goes unmet, bitterness and frustration ensues with one person being mad that their need wasn’t met and the other being angry because he or she was expected to read the other’s mind. This battle is a very common one faced by couples, but is such a easy fix. Just tell your partner what you need.

For example, sometimes when we’re walking down the street my wife will simply say, “Babe, I want you to hold my hand,” or every once and a while, “I would like it if you bought me flowers sometime this month.” From my side, “Wifey, would you get up early and make me a big breakfast tomorrow?” This is probably shocking to some people reading this, who like me when I first heard it, are probably thinking, “where’s the romance in that?” The fact is, you have to trust your spouse enough to know that they have your best interests at heart and truly want to serve you, its just that all of us from time to time need some hints…no matter how long people are together it is hard to consistently read your partner’s mind. Again, it may seem a bit mechanical at first, but I guarantee it will prevent thousands of fights and hurt feelings and enable you to maintain a healthy relationship.

This doesn’t mean that you are off the hook when it comes to anticipating the needs of your spouse, it is just a way to help the process. In reality, most of the time it is not really about the flowers or the breakfast, it’s about a greater need. For my wife, holding her hand is a public affirmation of my love for her; flowers are a symbol that I’m thinking about her throughout my day. For me, my wife waking up to cook me breakfast tells me that she wants to serve me. We all understand these things in theory, but many times we need help in knowing how to fulfill these desires. Say what you need.

Man is a social animal. As humans we spend much of our lives seeking social interaction and connectedness of all kinds, the quality of our lives being determined, in large part, by our success in this endeavor. God understanding this important element of our nature declared upon the creation of Adam, “It is not good for man to be alone,” - Genesis 2:18. From reading groups to Sunday school classes, support groups to hobby clubs, small groups have become an important way of satisfying this hunger by providing a point of contact for people; a way to spread ideas, provide care and support and enable people to become part of something larger than themselves. Study any great social movement and you will find the primacy of small groups as a leading contributor to their success.

A chapter in one of my favorite books, “Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community,” by Robert Putnam, describes the growth of small groups over the past several years in the midst of a steady decline in virtually all other forms of community involvement. “Sociologist Robert Wuthnow, the leading student of the small-group movement, reports that fully 40 percent of all Americans claim to be ‘currently involved in [a] small group that meets regularly and provides support or caring for those who participate in it,” (pg 149). He then goes on describing this growth in small groups as, “a ‘quiet revolution’ in American society, redefining community in a more fluid way, an antidote to social disconnectedness,” (pg 149).

Being both a member and leader of small groups in the past I have seen the results of small group participation. On one end of the spectrum I have cultivated “weak ties” with an incredibly large and diverse group of individuals, ties that may lie dormant for years, but awaken and provide incredible value at another juncture in life. At the opposite end of the spectrum I have formed incredibly strong friendships that I still enjoy today. I have witnessed weak people become strong and stupid people become wise…myself included. All this to say, I am a believer that participation in small groups is a sure path to a richer and more powerful life. Below are the advantages to participating in a small group:

1) Feeding the Beast - As discussed above we have a natural desire to form relationships. Small groups provide one of the best possible environments for this synthesis as they are normally based on common interests taking away a large portion of the awkwardness that many times comes with being thrown together with a group of strangers. In fact, many of the most successful small groups are completely organic and informal, coming about through preexisting relationships. Many of you probably already belong to several small groups, you just don’t view them in this light. A group of guys that meet every Saturday morning at Hardee’s to discuss current events, football, and the latest town news, a group of climbers that meet every month to summit a new mountain. These are all small groups and provide the the same social interaction, sometimes even better than more formal organizations.

2) Human Filters - One of the greatest aspects of belonging to a small group is the opportunity to share and discuss ideas. I’m a firm believer that open debate allows the best ideas to rise to the top while the worst are quickly cast aside…its what makes free societies prosper. Naturally, all of this is dependent on the caliber of people you have in your small group. Having people to bounce ideas off is a luxury that will time after time save one from making unnecessary mistakes made by other members of the group in times past. The passing on and filtering of knowledge and wisdom is an aspect of small groups that accounts for their popularity among academic circles and is something we can all benefit from.

3) Support and Security - A final aspect of small groups I have witnessed time and again is that of support and security, members taking care of one another and providing care and help during times of crisis. According to Wuthnow’s studies, “Nearly two out of five members of such groups reported that other members had helped them out when someone was sick, three in five said that their group had extended help to someone outside the group, and four out of five agreed that they group made them ‘feel like you weren’t alone,’” (pg 149). It is a sad reality that many people have no one to turn to when things go wrong. Small groups connect people in such a way that they feel responsible for the care of fellow members, providing a second-family to help navigate the perils life often throws our way.

Never has there been such variety in small groups available as there is today. Add to this the rapid growth in the use of the internet as a forum for creating and administrating these groups and there is really no reason not to find ways to connect. Recently I created a book club using Google Groups for myself and many friends located in various locations throughout the U.S. It is a whole discussion entirely as to the merits of this new online method of social interaction and its ability to take the place of traditional, face-to-face relationships, but it has definitely been a great way of keeping connected with friends while reading good books and learning new things. Whether you use the internet or not, small groups remain a wonderful way to connect yourself to others…something we all need.

When it comes to New Year’s resolutions, most people I talk to roll their eyes and sigh, thinking of the futility of the whole exercise after years and years of failure. The spirit behind a New Year’s resolution is a noble one, an attempt to live a better life or do things differently. The problem is most of us just don’t approach it with much intentionality, instead making up an unattainable goal in the heat of battle, like losing 50lbs after stepping on the scale the day after Christmas. Last year about this time, my sage father-in-law showed me an incredibly simple, but effective way of making a list of goals, or resolutions, for the year and actually following through on them. This is the process:

Understand Balance - I am convinced that 99% of people’s disappointments and failures in life are simply due to imbalance in a certain area(s). Eating too much, exercising too little, not praying enough, too much time at the office, too much television, etc. The point is, there’s a happy medium in every area of our lives; a place of balance where we find our best life. All New Year’s goals should be made with the theme of balance in our minds.

Take Stock of Your Present State - Before you can decide what you want to strive for in the future you have to have a good understanding of where you are in the present. Take a pen and piece of paper and sketch out a diagram similar to the one below.

The point is to look at each area of your life, ie. family, work, spirit, body, finances, etc and take stock of where you are at this moment in time. Decide what areas are important to you and create spokes for each one. Next make tick marks on each spoke, labeling them 1-10; 1 meaning you’re failing miserably in that area and 10 meaning you are perfect, no changes necessary. Make a dot where you think you fall in each area, then connect the dots. You will probably notice immediately that the shape you’ve created has very little resemblance to a circle, which would represent perfect balance. Most likely you have some areas that you’re doing great at and others that you’re struggling. The point of this diagram is to show visually what needs to change in order to make a circle, or bring balance to your life. This diagram is the basis for creating your New Year’s goals.

Make Goals for Each Category - Now its time to actually come up with your goals. Remember, the desired end state of this whole process is a balanced life, so all individual goals should be made with this in mind. In other words, if you notice that you have a very high score for work, but a miserable one for family/marriage, make goals that will allow you more time at home and less at the office. In order to create good goals, use the SMART acronym: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Timebound. For a better explanation on creating SMART goals reference my previous post on the subject. Again, make goals that will create a circle on your diagram, which will mean putting different levels of effort and focus on each area.

Exchange Your Goals With a Close Friend - Accountability is crucial in achieving any goal in life. Find a close friend and have them go through this exercise with you, then exchange your goals and bring them up on a consistent basis throughout the year. I emphasize close friend for two reasons. First, it is likely that some of your goals will contain personal information, like investing goals, or family issues, so its important to have someone you trust. Second, only a close friend will really get on your case if you falling short in a certain area. We all need a good friend to confront us every once and a while if we really intend to make lasting change in our lives. With accountability your chances of succeeding in achieving your goals and keeping your resolutions increase dramatically.

Since I finished pilot training I have had some time for myself to study, think, write and review. One thing I have felt strongly about is going back over some of the books and ideas I found most interesting over the past few years. For example, I read The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference by Malcom Gladwell a while back, but if someone asked me to summarize the ideas today, I would be limited to the subtitle, “How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference, ” and a few smatterings from the book on Mavens and broken-window theory…not exactly high quality or usable information…so I’m reviewing in order to be able to actually use and apply Gladwell’s ideas rather than just recalling how interesting they were at the time.

One of my favorite sections of the book involves the Law of the Few where Gladwell lays out the 3 types of people necessary to start a social epidemic: Connectors, Mavens and Salesmen. Connectors fascinate me because I relate to them the most. Connectors, in Gladwell’s words are, “people with a special gift for bringing the world together.” Connectors know lots of people, naturally, and, “for one reason or another, they manage to occupy many different worlds and subcultures and niches.” For me the most important aspect of connectors is their gift of creating and cultivating what sociologists call a “‘weak tie,‘ a friendly yet casual social connection.“

It is my opinion that weak ties are an invaluable source of social capital one must cultivate if he or she has any chance at success. More from Gladwell:

In his classic 1974 study Getting a Job, Granovetter looked at several hundred professional and technical workers from the Boston suburb of Newton, interviewing them in some detail on their employment history. He found that 56 percent of those he talked to found their job through a personal connection. Another 18.8 percent used formal means…This much is not surprising; the best way to get in the door is through a personal contact. But, curiously, Granovetter found that those personal connections, the majority were “weak ties.” Of those who used a contact to find a job, only 16.7 percent saw that contact “often”…People weren’t getting their jobs through their friends. They were getting them through their acquaintances.

In short we don’t rely on friends when it comes to new jobs, new information or new opportunities because in large part, they occupy a world very similar to ours. Weak ties are incredibly important for the simple fact that they are generally connections to a world outside of our own, a diverse form of social capital allowing us access into places we normally could not go. In a world of globalization geography is becoming less important and relationships are becoming more important. As the pool of high-skilled workers increases (aka China and India) who you know will become a key way to differentiate yourself from the other thousand people with similar resumes, making the number of your weak ties a valuable asset in determining your success in business and in life. Knowing the importance of weak ties, here are some ways to get better at creating and cultivating them:

1) Meet more people - go to church, attend art shows, join a book club. Expose yourself to various degrees of social randomness, groups and people that you would normally not associate with, people outside your normal social circle. Remember, you are not looking for a new best friend, only casual friendly connections. If your normal Friday night routine involves staying at home and watching a movie in your sweat pants, mix it up a bit and go out every other week. Extra tip: people tend to connect more easily if they are holding a beverage in their hand…it seems to create a small barrier making people more comfortable when conversing.

2) Organize your contacts - meeting mass amounts of people will do you no good if you do not come up with some sort of system to remember them. LinkedIn is a very useful online tool I just joined. They help you track down old classmates and colleagues, create connections, organize and maintain detailed contact information. Obviously there are a million social networking options today from MySpace to Facebook to Twitter…use them all. Also, most smart phones today have great contact systems as well, utilize them and keep them updated.

3) Weak tie, not dead tie - Find a way of keeping the ties alive over the years. For example, Mr. Horchow, a connector Gladwell studied in Tipping Point would keep track of his contacts birthdays and send them a birthday card. This seems easy enough you might say…Horchow had a contact list on his computer of over 1,600 names! Maybe this isn’t your style, but find something even if it is only a yearly e-mail updating them on your life, or a Christmas card, whatever you have to do to keep the tie healthy enough that when you call on that person for a favor sometime down the road they don’t respond with, “who did you say you were again?”

4) The magic of remembering a name - We all know how good it makes you feel when someone you only met once remembers your name….become that person. I heard a story once of a Wing Commander at an Air Force base in North Dakota that memorized the names of every single airmen under his command…and their spouses! We’re talking thousands of names people! He obviously had come up with a system, placing a name with a fact about the person, reviewing photos, something. Whatever he did, his ability to know his subordinates’ names made an incredible impact. The moral was very high and every airmen wanted to work hard for the Commander because they felt like he cared. If you can learn to remember people’s names it will make you a person people want to remember.

Go forth people and establish your weak ties! Comment with your ideas, systems and thoughts.

So as many of you know Marelize and I are expecting our first Schaefer Jr. in mid-January of 2008. As I write that it seems pretty far off, but when I stop to dwell on it I get a pit in my stomach….the “OH MY GOD I’M 23 AND GOING TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR A HUMAN LIFE!” pit of nervousness that only an expectant first-time parent knows. Marelize and I went into marriage planning on having children fairly early on in our lives. For me, I wanted the energy to be able to whoop up on my kids in sports well into their teenage years (some sort of sick satisfaction I guess of knowing that I didn’t leave all my glory at Deti Stadium in high school) and for Marelize, she would like to be done having children by her early thirties. We felt we were financially in a position to support a child at this moment in time…the Air Force pays for 100% of the costs, so thank you tax paying citizens of America for my college and now my first child…and after much prayer, discussion and one to0 many times of watching “A Baby Story” on TLC we decided we’d go for it.

After first finding out Marelize was prego we went through several weeks of anxiety about telling people. We understood that we were going against the common advice of waiting to have children until later on in our marriage, so naturally we were worried that people would not be happy with our news, but rather skeptical or somehow half-hearted in their congratulations, almost waiting to see us fail and say I told you so. But, the reaction was quite the opposite, our parents, family and friends all were thrilled with the news which was a tremendous blessing and load off our backs.

So now the madness has begun. Ultrasounds, books on pregnancy, the purchasing of the cool, but no so expensive that you look like you’re trying to prove something, baby gear (who knew that such and innocent seeming industry, baby accessories, could be such ravenous wolves, preying on the fears of first-time parents….”I don’t know if my stroller can go off-road, should it be able to? Is off-roading something babies do on a day-to day basis?”)…much more to come on this topic, I feel that by the end of these 9-months I will have enough humorous material on the baby industry to write quite a book. Anyway, I must say that I am really excited to be a father. When Marelize and I first got to see our child moving around on the ultrasound a few weeks ago I got a taste of what the life of a parent will be like and it was sweet!