Top 5 Reasons for Marital Conflict
After publishing my last post dealing with marriage, Say What You Need, I received some feedback indicating that more content in this area would be appreciated. Since I want this blog to be incredibly useful to my readers I started to look at my marriage and discern what has made it so successful thus far. As I indicated in my last marriage post, a lot of credit must go to Aaron Stern, pastor of theMill in Colorado Springs, CO, who led us through our pre-marital counseling and put tools in our hands to build a marriage that will last.
If you are married there is one thing that is certain: there will be conflict. It is impossible to live with someone day after day, for years on end without having some type of conflict. One of the keys to marital success is adopting a view that conflict is good! What?! Yes, conflict is good! Conflict always presents an opportunity for couples to work through issues and come out stronger on the other end. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating you start picking fights with your spouse for fun, but taking the fear out of conflict goes a long way in helping couples confront their issues.
Some of you may be reading this getting ready to bounce because you are not married and don’t feel this will apply to you…wait…if you are ever even thinking about getting married some day, this information will be useful for you as you begin surveying the land for potential mates.
The following is a list of the top five reasons for marital conflict:
1) a failure of communication
2) financial difficulties
3) sexual difficulties
4) problems with in-laws
5) disagreements over child rearing
“All conflicts are the result of unrealistic, uncommunicated or unmet expectations,” explains Aaron Stern. If you are already married, these should highlight areas to openly discuss often with your spouse. What are your expectations in each of these areas? If you disagree, how do you intend to work things out?
If you are unmarried, look at these as things to discuss with your boyfriend/girlfriend or fiancee before starting marriage in order to work out some ground rules before jumping in without clear expectations. Don’t wait until you get married and then realize that while you had always wanted 10 children your spouse doesn’t want any. Discussing your expectations clearly, early and often in each of these areas will go a long way to strengthen your marriage.
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6 comments
I completely agree with your five reasons for marital conflict. And I think it’s important that people realize that a failure of communication is #1. But I don’t know if married couples always realize there is a failure of communication. Growing up in different homes you tend to see how your parents communicate as a couple. You then learn that’s what is expected of you. It will later come as a shock that what you learned could very well be wrong in your spouse’s eyes. It ties in so well with Say What You Need!! Because your spouse may be thinking they’re doing the pleasing thing by communicating well in their minds, but not by your definition at all. I think even friends of opposite sex tend to experience this. Many men and women think so differently about communication. It’s important to learn that the other person expects. All ties up exactly how you said Camerson….Say what you need!
Fantastic post. As someone who is about to be married, these are important concepts to keep in mind.
Marriage counseling classes highlight all five of these areas as the most crucial to marital success.
I love it. You’re right on!
Gotta say though that #1 can and most often is responsible for all the others. Once you have that down, everything becomes much easier.
great post… thanks
I have the following question. When does conflict become an emotional armageddon?
My mother and stepfather conflicted about the five reasons you listed, and as a teenager night after night, over several years, hearing profanity laden screaming matches that started in the early evening and lasted to the early hours of the morning biases me towards not having the viewpoint that “conflict is good.”
By all means married couples should have regular thoughtful discussions about the issues raised in your list. But conflict always equals win-lose for those involved, not win-win.
I have just discovered your blog via the 28th Carnival of Personal Development and this is the first entry that I have read. I still aim to read some of your other posts with an open mind. This particular post steamed me up some.
Thanks
favorited this one, brother
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